It's too quiet now

[thedarksiren2]

5Am or something...Woke to wraptboy's tears and freaking out. His beads in his truck moved, like SIGNIFICANTLY moved...his doors were locked though, and nothing was missing. He was so freaked out. I hugged him, told him it would be ok, and when he left, I told Bats or whatever spirits might be playing right now that it was NOT the right time. Not now...no, not now, my friends.

I missed my alarm going off at 7ish. Didn't make my meeting at 8AM. When I figured out that I had missed it, I simply rolled over. Dreamed of wars, I am shivering in a tent, and when I smile, my teeth are heavily decayed, falling out. The few that are in tact still are razor-sharp, filed to be so, and brown. There is malnutrition, famine, war...my teeth begin to fall with an icky, grayish ooze following them.

I woke up at ten or so. My back and head hurt. It's an icky day outside, and the house is so quiet. I am waiting for Bats whimpering in the kitchen, but there is none. Nothing. The house is still, Jawndomay is silent. Even Butthead is quiet, his feathers all fluffy and he is stillness with the house.

I lit the memory candle, a picture of Bats in front.
My heart is sick.

I cannot stand the silence.

Music, LOUD music...call people. Call Therese...Roger is OK. He has survived his awful surgery without a hitch. Call my sister...I want Leah this Friday, go to the zoo, spend quality time. Deb wants to come too, needs to vent, and I forget my world for a while to help her with hers. The friend's mom has recovered from her coma, talking, lucid, starting Physical Therapy. This makes me happy, the wonderful miracle that it is.

Yet, it frightens me more.

I can't help it...the dreams indicate at least two more, if not wars and horrible large groups of people. Maybe I can count those people in Arkansas or wherever that bridge was that fell. At least a dozen cars...people died, many people died. I know that the close death was Bats. There are two distant ones...other people's friend's/ family.

Maybe I am just a schizoid, and it's all mad coincidences.

I ate some yogurt, went cruising through the friends list, and then came across this picture that jjjiii posted of Bats and wraptboy.

Thank you, gup. Thank you soooo much. That's a great picture.

Shit, I am all leaky again...I swear I can feel the breeze that was Bats racing past my legs like a maniac. He was a nut, always in your space, loving, annoying and stubborn. Not a dog really, not at all, except for his stupidity, and his neediness.

All love and bones, silly little creature...bat, doe, human, cat...soemthing, everything but so very little dog.

I am so sad.

Told Veil last night. He was angry at first, immediate reaction...what happened? Who let him out? What what what why???

Then he began to sob in his own sadness.
We are going to try to have a ceremony for Bats...won't go into details. It just feels right somehow. I wish I didn't have to work.

I hope the night goes easily. Nothing points in that direction right now, but I am trying to be optimistic.

Thank you to everyone, for your thoughts, kind words, and hugs. I cannot think anymore. I cannot look at Bats...I can't. I can't see him in the fetal position that wraptboy says he's in. I can't see the trickle of blood...I can't. I just can't.

I hate this so much.
I don't want the dreams anymore...I just don't. It's too much responsibility that I can't claim.

Comments

[theshadowsfall.livejournal.com]

your friends are with you, and this will get easier.

[wraptboy.livejournal.com]

It could have not been him. And he didn't hurt. and he will forever and always be a part of Jawndamay. and we loved him. Your dreams are your dreams, and though I cursed them at the time they are descriptive, not a cause and one of many reasons why you are such a deeply loved creature. Solgood.

[thedarksiren.livejournal.com]

(((HUGZ!)))

Love you, chomper!

[ravenskuld.livejournal.com]

Maybe I am just a schizoid, and it's all mad coincidences.

i doubt that you are a schizoid in this respect. we have our (forgive the word) "gifts"...

I don't want the dreams anymore...I just don't. It's too much responsibility that I can't claim.

i know exactly what you mean. i run into, on occasion, others whose dreams are of similar natures, and i must say that those who even reckognise that there is a measure of responsibility that accompanies it are few and far between. for that, you are ahead of most. the flip side: it basically confirms that this is a real things for you to bear.

perhaps when time and circumstance allow, we can share with each other our similarities in this regard. sometimes knowing you're not the only one can at least take the edge off the pain.

if you need me, please call on me, okay? ;)

[thedarksiren.livejournal.com]

You re one of the few people who recall my coven name, and one of the few who understood it for all it's gifts and miseries. One of the shamans warned me that I would take the form of my name; how silly, that he did not recognize that I was the form, and the name was just a label.

i just hate that the dreams don't give me more insight as to who it is. I don't know that it would make things better or worse, honestly, but it's just so hard, anticipating, knowing...I feel crazy when i am in the wait, you know? AT least then I could justify the guilt, the sadness, the, "I could have done something..."

I know better, yes, but still.

It would be nice to see you soon. I am making my way to Stow on Friday, so maybe we can get coffee or something.
(((HUGZ!)))

About time I haunted the Brady Cafe anyway. ~;)

Re:

[ravenskuld.livejournal.com]

friday sounds good. i am most likely going to Cleveland on Saturday. what time will you be going down to Stow? i will be in Streetsboro, and will most likely need picked up. (if i am not still in Akron, finding a way back, that is!)

coffee sounds wonderful! i dunno too much about Brady's, personally. it's closing up soon, and is under a bit of a boycott. there's a really cool place in Akron that i recently discovered, though, so there are plenty of options.

so, my answer is YES, i wanna see you! (and bring the black box - LOL - it's about time you got an explanation for it, if nothing else but for the humour involved at this point.)

*hugs and a warm kiss* i'll let you know where i am gonna be as the time gets closer. please email me your phone number (again).

[evilshell.livejournal.com]

*major hugs*

I didn't get to meet him, but I heard so many stories about him, that I felt like I had.

Call me if you need *anything* or just want to talk.

[karynk0515.livejournal.com]

My heart goes out to you in this difficult time. Know that he will always be with you.