Concept from work
Sep. 30th, 2002 05:35 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
thedarksiren2OK, everyone on my friend's list should know what it is that I do for a living by now. If not, well, ask and I will get back to you. If you don't care, well, even better.
At any rate, each month I spend a few hours teaching people about "Resident Awareness." It is, essentially, a class which reminds us to be empathetic, sensitive and compassionate towards the individuals we work with, as well as each other because, quite frankly, the job can be very emotionally draining.
The one concept that I think breaks everything down to it's simplest form is "The Emotional Bank Account," written by Ron Woodard, an amazing instructor whom I had the honor of getting to know about four years ago. It is just a metaphor for being considerate to those around you, and in as much as I know how goofy most self-help books are, I find this concept, truly just an essay about how to keep on people's good sides, reminds me why we learn those Golden Rules as kids, and also how valuable the polite, considerate people I know around me are.
If you are at all interested, here is
The Emotional Bank Account
( Taken from Residential Notes, Number 18, a publication from Blick Clinic, December 24, 1993.)
EACH AND EVERYONE OF US HAS AN EMOTIONAL BANK ACCOUNT
You all know what a bank account is. It is where you deposit and withdraw money. Sometimes there is a savings account as well to draw on. The critical thing is to always have more deposits than you are going to withdraw. What happens if you write a check for more than your account balance? You’re overdrawn! You’re in trouble. Keep it up and the account gets closed. You’re bankrupt. You lose your credit in more and more places. You lose your credibility as well. Each time you overdraw your account, it becomes harder and harder to be trusted. Keep the account balanced and with a reserve, and you can make withdrawals across a wide range of creditors.
Now think about that in terms of an EMOTIONAL BANK ACCOUNT. We all have one. EVERY INTERACTION WE HAVE WITH OTHERS IS AN OPPORTUNITY TO MAKE A DEPOSIT OR A WITHDRAWAL. Positive and fruitful interactions do what? They make deposits! What happens? Our reserve grows so when a withdrawal does occur through some misunderstanding or confrontation issue, there is something to draw against. It’s not a *bad check*, and we don’t lose our credibility.
Think about every interaction with others everyday as a CHOICE. I can make a deposit or a withdrawal depending on some things like how I present myself, my choice of words, what outcome I want. Which is harder, the deposits or the withdrawals? The deposits are harder. Or at least it seems like it’s harder! (Think about your financial bank account. Wouldn’t it be easier or more fun to just cash the paycheck than to deposit it to pay bills? Isn’t putting money in the savings harder until it becomes a habit?)
Here’s the concept again:
EACH OF US HAS AN EMOTIONAL BANK ACCOUNT AND EVERY INTERACTION WITH OTHERS IS AN OPPORTUNITY TO MAKE A DEPOSIT... OR A WITHDRAWAL
Think about this with the next person you encounter whom you’ve had a lot of personal interaction. It may be a spouse, friend, child, boss, co-workers, etc. Have you made enough deposits in their Emotional Bank Account so that you could go to them with an error you’ve made against them and there would be enough reserve that you would not be overdrawn and damage the relationship?
Last school year, my teenage daughter was having some trouble with grades. They were below my standards for her, what I thought she was capable of doing based on previous work. I set limits like early curfew and only one night out and studying at the dining room table from 4 to 6 p.m. each night. Six weeks later, she comes home excited, “Dad, I got an A on my biology exam!” I was tired and grumpy at the moment and said something like, “It’s about time. Now your mother’s going to be here in 15 minutes. Why aren’t the dishes done and the cats fed?”
What happened? I made a huge withdrawal. Did I have enough reserve in the Emotional Bank Account? I don’t know but I know six weeks of work got lost in 10 seconds. I realized very quickly that I’d made a huge withdrawal and I better scramble to get some deposits in there in case I was overdrawn.
How could I have made a “deposit?” Easy. “Nice job honey. I knew you could do it. I’ll feed the cats. How about you set the table and we’ll celebrate the news with Mom when she gets here.” Easy? NO! It’s damn hard! This concept is immensely alive for me as a father of three (two of them teenagers). It is also immensely alive for me as a supervisor because I get very frustrated when I have to make withdrawals at times when there has not been the time or the opportunity to make deposits.
Ever wonder why some staff seem so much more effective with our residents? Why do residents seem to consistently respond more positively to some staff than others? One possible explanation is the Emotional Bank Account (Even the person with the most profound cognitive delays has an Emotional Bank Account). Those effective staff are probably making deposits – maybe in very small ways but deposits nonetheless over time. The “interest” is accumulating.
How do you make deposits in the Emotional Bank Account of others? Here’s a few ideas whether they are friends, family, co-workers or our residential clients:
*Look for opportunities to make emotional deposits, however small.
*Keep your commitments; never make promises you can’t keep.
*Use the “magic words” you learned in kindergarten (please and thank you).
*Apologize when you make a withdrawal.
*Really listen, attend to little things in order to understand the other person.
*Listen first to understand, then be understood.
*Clarify your expectations.
*Do a random act of kindness (giving a non-contingent gift, however small, is a huge deposit).
I heard on the radio recently there is a book out called something like, Random Acts of Kindness, with lots of ideas but you should surely be able to think of your own, specific to your own personal and work situation.
Here is the concept one more time:
EACH OF US HAS AN EMOTIONAL BANK ACCOUNT AND EVERY INTERACTION WITH OTHERS IS AN OPPORTUNITY TO MAKE A DEPOSIT...OR A WITHDRAWAL
Earlier I said, read this as if you are going to teach it to someone else. Why? Because to teach is to learn. We learn much more by teaching it to others. I try to teach this concept so I learn it more deeply. Teach someone else this concept of the Emotional Bank Account and it will be much more deeply ingrained in you. So go back and re-read this letter from the beginning. This concept can radically transform your life.
Ron Woodard, M. Ed.
Residential Treatment Services Program Supervisor
Blick Clinic, Inc.
At any rate, each month I spend a few hours teaching people about "Resident Awareness." It is, essentially, a class which reminds us to be empathetic, sensitive and compassionate towards the individuals we work with, as well as each other because, quite frankly, the job can be very emotionally draining.
The one concept that I think breaks everything down to it's simplest form is "The Emotional Bank Account," written by Ron Woodard, an amazing instructor whom I had the honor of getting to know about four years ago. It is just a metaphor for being considerate to those around you, and in as much as I know how goofy most self-help books are, I find this concept, truly just an essay about how to keep on people's good sides, reminds me why we learn those Golden Rules as kids, and also how valuable the polite, considerate people I know around me are.
If you are at all interested, here is
The Emotional Bank Account
( Taken from Residential Notes, Number 18, a publication from Blick Clinic, December 24, 1993.)
You all know what a bank account is. It is where you deposit and withdraw money. Sometimes there is a savings account as well to draw on. The critical thing is to always have more deposits than you are going to withdraw. What happens if you write a check for more than your account balance? You’re overdrawn! You’re in trouble. Keep it up and the account gets closed. You’re bankrupt. You lose your credit in more and more places. You lose your credibility as well. Each time you overdraw your account, it becomes harder and harder to be trusted. Keep the account balanced and with a reserve, and you can make withdrawals across a wide range of creditors.
Now think about that in terms of an EMOTIONAL BANK ACCOUNT. We all have one. EVERY INTERACTION WE HAVE WITH OTHERS IS AN OPPORTUNITY TO MAKE A DEPOSIT OR A WITHDRAWAL. Positive and fruitful interactions do what? They make deposits! What happens? Our reserve grows so when a withdrawal does occur through some misunderstanding or confrontation issue, there is something to draw against. It’s not a *bad check*, and we don’t lose our credibility.
Think about every interaction with others everyday as a CHOICE. I can make a deposit or a withdrawal depending on some things like how I present myself, my choice of words, what outcome I want. Which is harder, the deposits or the withdrawals? The deposits are harder. Or at least it seems like it’s harder! (Think about your financial bank account. Wouldn’t it be easier or more fun to just cash the paycheck than to deposit it to pay bills? Isn’t putting money in the savings harder until it becomes a habit?)
EACH OF US HAS AN EMOTIONAL BANK ACCOUNT AND EVERY INTERACTION WITH OTHERS IS AN OPPORTUNITY TO MAKE A DEPOSIT... OR A WITHDRAWAL
Think about this with the next person you encounter whom you’ve had a lot of personal interaction. It may be a spouse, friend, child, boss, co-workers, etc. Have you made enough deposits in their Emotional Bank Account so that you could go to them with an error you’ve made against them and there would be enough reserve that you would not be overdrawn and damage the relationship?
Last school year, my teenage daughter was having some trouble with grades. They were below my standards for her, what I thought she was capable of doing based on previous work. I set limits like early curfew and only one night out and studying at the dining room table from 4 to 6 p.m. each night. Six weeks later, she comes home excited, “Dad, I got an A on my biology exam!” I was tired and grumpy at the moment and said something like, “It’s about time. Now your mother’s going to be here in 15 minutes. Why aren’t the dishes done and the cats fed?”
What happened? I made a huge withdrawal. Did I have enough reserve in the Emotional Bank Account? I don’t know but I know six weeks of work got lost in 10 seconds. I realized very quickly that I’d made a huge withdrawal and I better scramble to get some deposits in there in case I was overdrawn.
How could I have made a “deposit?” Easy. “Nice job honey. I knew you could do it. I’ll feed the cats. How about you set the table and we’ll celebrate the news with Mom when she gets here.” Easy? NO! It’s damn hard! This concept is immensely alive for me as a father of three (two of them teenagers). It is also immensely alive for me as a supervisor because I get very frustrated when I have to make withdrawals at times when there has not been the time or the opportunity to make deposits.
Ever wonder why some staff seem so much more effective with our residents? Why do residents seem to consistently respond more positively to some staff than others? One possible explanation is the Emotional Bank Account (Even the person with the most profound cognitive delays has an Emotional Bank Account). Those effective staff are probably making deposits – maybe in very small ways but deposits nonetheless over time. The “interest” is accumulating.
How do you make deposits in the Emotional Bank Account of others? Here’s a few ideas whether they are friends, family, co-workers or our residential clients:
*Look for opportunities to make emotional deposits, however small.
*Keep your commitments; never make promises you can’t keep.
*Use the “magic words” you learned in kindergarten (please and thank you).
*Apologize when you make a withdrawal.
*Really listen, attend to little things in order to understand the other person.
*Listen first to understand, then be understood.
*Clarify your expectations.
*Do a random act of kindness (giving a non-contingent gift, however small, is a huge deposit).
I heard on the radio recently there is a book out called something like, Random Acts of Kindness, with lots of ideas but you should surely be able to think of your own, specific to your own personal and work situation.
Here is the concept one more time:
Earlier I said, read this as if you are going to teach it to someone else. Why? Because to teach is to learn. We learn much more by teaching it to others. I try to teach this concept so I learn it more deeply. Teach someone else this concept of the Emotional Bank Account and it will be much more deeply ingrained in you. So go back and re-read this letter from the beginning. This concept can radically transform your life.
Ron Woodard, M. Ed.
Residential Treatment Services Program Supervisor
Blick Clinic, Inc.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
no subject
no subject
But yeah, a lot of people just have no clue.
Thanks, Marty.
~8)
no subject
Date: 2002-10-01 03:42 pm (UTC)See, THAT makes sense. Your comment to me lacked the "towards others" part, which made your meaning unclear.
*shrugs*
I guess figured you smart enough to get it without my having to define it to you.
Re: *shrugs*
Date: 2002-10-01 11:55 pm (UTC)Re: to be an antagonist, or not at all
Date: 2002-10-02 08:05 am (UTC)"I guess I figured you smart enough to get something such as this without my having to explain it word for word."
It's not meant as antagonistic, Orie. It's simply that I don't understand how someone as smart as you are...and I am NOT being sarcastic at all - you are very smart...would not know the meaning of a word such as "compassion" without it's underlying connotations, ESPECIALLY considering your major in school, regardless of the fact that you do or do not wish to pursue it; one would imagine that if you chose the major, even momentarily, that you would have a basic comprehension in word definitions.
I am not trying to irritate you, that was never my intention. I am just trying to get you to walk in my shoes for a moment. I know yours have been heavy in your lifetime...I guess I just want you to realize that the weight of one's burdens comes in many forms, and to be compassionate towards others should come naturally to someone who has gone through as much as you have.
Perhaps I assume too much...call me idealistic, and fault me for it, or whatever. Like I said, I am not trying to dwell in any of this icky-space because I made my point already. Beyond that, the ball is in your court - you know I think your chattering about free rides, regardless of the fact that you are joking and/ or trying to build up your self-worth, is tactless when I am around, ESPECIALLY when:
A)I showed you some paths toward those *free rides*, and also,
B)I think you are worth just plenty, with or without a job. You should know that without my saying it at this point in our friendship - I don't judge a person by their income. That's just shallow and petty. I think I am a bit above that, thank you.
Just be considerate of those around you, please. That's all I am asking.
Re: to be an antagonist, or not at all
Date: 2002-10-02 10:06 am (UTC)I concede...I was wrong about the major thing
Date: 2002-10-02 02:40 pm (UTC)AT ALL.
*sigh*
Can we drop this already, please?
Cool
A very nice way to start a morning!
Re: Cool