thedarksiren2 | taking chances

speaking with my heart instead of my mind.

well, it's spoken, and now my mind is screaming, "I fucking TOLD YOU SO!"

I want to twist it up, like in one of those mop-wringers, squeeze all the doubt and fear away. It's irrational, as it usually is. It is there though, and I cannot stand silence on days like this.

Deep, dreamless sleep. I had a dream I was in an asylum the other night thanks to Xen. She always talk about the weirdest most fun shtuff. I swear I will make it to Mansfield before I move away. I think a night of The Creeps would be rad.

If I sit still and quietly for a while, I have vision of walking barefoot in the snow, and icicles hang from my lashes. It's like I am still dreaming, even though I awake and don't remember the former state of dreams in order to use the word "still."

Of course, "still" denotes stillness, and I am definitely not the most still person. Fidgety, distracted by every sound...I see things that aren't there out of my peripheral view and cast them aside as ghosts. Whose lives they were is another story.

Funny,

wraptboy goes on about how quiet his mind is right now, about how his creativity is dragging, and he is just kind of existing. Sometimes I like that state, and the past few weeks I have wanted that kind of calm. Thing is, in all of this I know that it's going to get worse before it gets better. Call it fatalistic, but really, I know it. I'd say it is self-fulfilling prophecy, but really all it has to do with is how my life is changing...that, and the Tower Card.

OK,

poliwitch and

andragon, here's the low-down on that tarot reading I mentioned a few weeks ago. I think I get it, but some second and third opinions would be appreciated. I am only so skilled with this, so if you two (or anyone else feeling like sharing their perspective, who also knows the Toth deck) would give me your opinionz, I'd be ever-so-thankful.

I didn't do any kind of a typical spread, as I was *feeling* my way through it. Sometimes I do this because I feel like I get a better idea about what is going on. One might say it is a three-card spread, but it kept going, wanting to tell me more. So yeah, here goes:

General draws...I simply asked what the cards felt I should know:

Past - 9 of Swords

Present - Ace of Wands
extra draws for present:
-2 of discs
-The Tower

Future - Emperor

I asked about work from here:

-The Magus (the happiest of the three that are in the deck, if that makes any difference. They all reside in mine -- I never took any of them out to use just one)
_4 of Disks
-3 of Disks
-6 of Cups

I then asked about love and relationships:

- The Chariot

And the final thought (if I remember correctly, this card all but fell out of the deck):

-The Priestess

OK, so yeah. Any thoughts? I have mine, but again I am not very educated in tarot, although I have read some of the literature that goes with this deck. I don't feel necessarily that it goes by the same standards of other decks...then again, and I think Nan at least will agree, I think all decks have a personality of their own. My deck was screaming at me to come and play this day, January 9th.

Time to move along now. Thanks for reading this far.