all about the anti-perfection
Jan. 29th, 2004 11:17 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
thedarksiren2I got up today a bit less sore, but still hurting. Sleeping with the pillows supporting my hips and legs raised seemed to help. My right leg is swollen, but not hot to the touch, which is a good sign. That's all I need is a friggin' break in my bones.
I went to the bathroom and stopped in front of the mirror to take a long, hard look. I saw before me a girl who is overweight, whose hair needs dyed desperately (it's about four colors right now, none of which are my choosing), whose body is not cooperating with her attempts at improving it. I saw someone with large brown eyes and bigger black circles, and half wondered if I was a heroin addict in a former life. Then I realized they were not body-made circles, but remnants of tears and mascara from last night. My eyes began to water, and I looked away for a moment.
I am not going to let any of this injury hold me back. I have to take time to heal, which means I will likely have to take a few days off from the gym. This still pisses me off, but I will deal.
It's such a difficult balance to figure out. When I am overweight, I am unhealthy, unattractive (at least from the ribs down) and lack energy. Yes! This is true, as all the infomercials proclaim. But when I am thin, I am cynical, irritated that it is something expected by society. I am still going for the latter, but yeah. Annoying.
Also, my tits shrink when I lose weight. THAT makes me bitter. So far no difference in that world, but it's something I know will happen, as it always has.
I think the issues I am having with the injury are post-traumatic from when I hurt my back. I was immobile for weeks, and actually needed help getting dressed. I can even remember trying to pick up a brush from the floor, collapsing and crying for help because I couldn't move. It was terrifying, humiliating. I was dependent on so many people for the better part of a year, and that hurt my ego tremendously. As a result of the shame and self-hatred, I gained weight. Some people starve themselves for a sense of control. I did the opposite. Oh, and I smoked weed like a fiend as well.
So there, a bit of Dawndom history for ya.
Thing is, I like some of the outward ugliness of me. Some of it is still damaging to my inner-self, but other parts are like extra beauty marks, defining me and who I am. Scars are like this for me, which is why I ask others to see theirs. I am fascinated by them.
People are not perfect. They are not air-brushed, perfect platinum blonde cut-outs for public consumption. They have wrinkles and scars, gray hairs at 20, stubble on their chins and pimples on their butts. People are not sane, and if they say they are, I say avoid them at all costs. Those are the folks who will do more harm than good.
Give me your ugliness, accept mine.
Give me your crazies, and I'll show you an obsessive-compulsive waltz.
Make your decisions well, and know that it is all for the better.
Don't judge me and I won't judge you.
I am not a god, despite my incredible ability to fantasize such things.
Thing is, neither are you.
Just be, and let others be.
Now, I tredge through mathematical battlefields and tackle college steps.
Thank goodness for ibuprofen.
I went to the bathroom and stopped in front of the mirror to take a long, hard look. I saw before me a girl who is overweight, whose hair needs dyed desperately (it's about four colors right now, none of which are my choosing), whose body is not cooperating with her attempts at improving it. I saw someone with large brown eyes and bigger black circles, and half wondered if I was a heroin addict in a former life. Then I realized they were not body-made circles, but remnants of tears and mascara from last night. My eyes began to water, and I looked away for a moment.
I am not going to let any of this injury hold me back. I have to take time to heal, which means I will likely have to take a few days off from the gym. This still pisses me off, but I will deal.
It's such a difficult balance to figure out. When I am overweight, I am unhealthy, unattractive (at least from the ribs down) and lack energy. Yes! This is true, as all the infomercials proclaim. But when I am thin, I am cynical, irritated that it is something expected by society. I am still going for the latter, but yeah. Annoying.
Also, my tits shrink when I lose weight. THAT makes me bitter. So far no difference in that world, but it's something I know will happen, as it always has.
I think the issues I am having with the injury are post-traumatic from when I hurt my back. I was immobile for weeks, and actually needed help getting dressed. I can even remember trying to pick up a brush from the floor, collapsing and crying for help because I couldn't move. It was terrifying, humiliating. I was dependent on so many people for the better part of a year, and that hurt my ego tremendously. As a result of the shame and self-hatred, I gained weight. Some people starve themselves for a sense of control. I did the opposite. Oh, and I smoked weed like a fiend as well.
So there, a bit of Dawndom history for ya.
Thing is, I like some of the outward ugliness of me. Some of it is still damaging to my inner-self, but other parts are like extra beauty marks, defining me and who I am. Scars are like this for me, which is why I ask others to see theirs. I am fascinated by them.
People are not perfect. They are not air-brushed, perfect platinum blonde cut-outs for public consumption. They have wrinkles and scars, gray hairs at 20, stubble on their chins and pimples on their butts. People are not sane, and if they say they are, I say avoid them at all costs. Those are the folks who will do more harm than good.
Give me your ugliness, accept mine.
Give me your crazies, and I'll show you an obsessive-compulsive waltz.
Make your decisions well, and know that it is all for the better.
Don't judge me and I won't judge you.
I am not a god, despite my incredible ability to fantasize such things.
Thing is, neither are you.
Just be, and let others be.
Now, I tredge through mathematical battlefields and tackle college steps.
Thank goodness for ibuprofen.
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no subject
Date: 2004-01-29 08:49 am (UTC)I'm sorry to hear this injury is causing so much trouble for you. Right before the cruise, my back started acting up again and every movement was pain. I could barely sleep. All I could was pretend nothing was wrong. It hurt all through the cruise. It wasn't as bad as when I couldn't walk or take care of myself (yeah, same thing happened to me) I know it's frustrating. I wish I could do something to help you feel less frustrated. All I can do is offer to be there for you and help you have some fun to take your mind off of it. *HUGS*
Re:
Date: 2004-01-31 01:10 pm (UTC)Thanks sweets!
It's getting better daily, with a li'l help from our stretching friends and ibuprofen. It is frustrating though.
Will you be at the Chamber tonight?
Also, I think this is my favorite of your icons.~8)
actually
Date: 2004-01-29 09:20 am (UTC)I know that feeling of helplessness that I had after going over the handlebars of my bicycle, both times. Not being able to move my arms without wanting to weep, fighting to hold back tears, machismo getting in the way of letting anyone help me. I did make it thru. Most of the damage was my pride, but that will recover.
Re: actually
Date: 2004-01-31 01:12 pm (UTC)It is mostly a pride thing, which is silly. Hell, I don't even have the machismo excuse to go on~;P I just have to remember my patience, and keep my motivation beyond the healing period. I think that is what I fear the most...it has taken me so long to get the gumption up in the first place.
Bitterness
Date: 2004-01-29 09:59 am (UTC)Re: Bitterness
Date: 2004-01-31 01:13 pm (UTC)*waves hands in the air in understanding*
Re: Bitterness
Date: 2004-02-02 05:38 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-01-29 04:37 pm (UTC)Re:
Date: 2004-01-31 01:14 pm (UTC)I'm trying!
cheer up you big beautiful thing
Date: 2004-01-29 09:56 pm (UTC)(i musta missed the post about what you injured) but i'd recommend you start out slow anyway. i get sick or hurt myself quite often... how bout doing stretching or working on some other part of your body while it heals.
Re: cheer up you big beautiful thing
Date: 2004-01-31 01:17 pm (UTC)I posted about hurting my leg here (http://www.livejournal.com/users/thedarksiren/402054.html). It's doing better overall, but still frustrating.
You're right though...time and patience, that's all it's about. I appreciate the encouragement from you. Keeping up my motivation isn't very easy.