4 AM mocked me, now 5 AM is smacking me, heading for pure abuse in about fifteen minutes

[thedarksiren2]

AKA Late-night/ early morning, melancholy spewings...

Where is everyone tonight? I need a bucket...Dawndom is incredibly leaky tonight, and the inhabitants cannot sleep as a result.

Oh, and I fucking hate Paul Oakenfold.
but not really. Just this song..."Someone Like You." It's like a razor down my back, tickling my heart like a rapist in a dark alleyway.

Olivia Newton-John is my hero tonight, however. She reminds me that life is magic when no one else is around. Sounds fucked up and corny, but fuck you if you don't understand.

I need to change some things in my life, like now.

Anyone who is reading this, know that changes are coming. They have to. I have been holding back for so long, I'd forgotten how it felt to connect. I feel so fucking distant from everyone and everything very often, and it becomes incredibly lonely after a while. Yeah, I have goals. So the fuck what. Nothing should replace the precious time I could be spending with loved ones.

It's such a hard balance to try to maintain, so I will do what I can when I can.

But now I ask all of you...if I walk up and kiss you on the cheek, will you be weirded-out? If I take your hand in mine and tell you how much I adore you, how very important you are to me as a friend, as a confidante, will you pull it away?

I just want to re-connect. That's all. Call it desperation, but then look in the mirror and tell me who the desperate one is?

Human touch is so important. Hugs are good drugs, most intoxicating when done well and with the heart and spirit.

I am scared by these, well, for lack of better terms, revelations. They should have been obvious all along. Walls get built, however, and Pink Floyd is a wrench in my throat at times.

So I am a coward, but I am going to face these fears as best as I can. Will you help me? Will my affections, my compliments and appreciation of you scare you away? Perhaps you need to change then too.

It won't be immediate...I sorta have some grieving to do before they can even begin. No, slash that. It's not death, just transformation, right?

I love butterflies.
I need sleep.

Say a little prayer that I don't get sick, please. I feel it coming on, and the next week won't allow for any sick time. Not with finals, and friends coming in from CA (yay! I cannot wait to meet regohemia irl!), Lord of the Rings movies and whatever else I can get immersed in. I don't want to miss anything. Every instant I am alive should be a celebration, after all.


Self-affirmation...yay!

Also, I do not have health insurance anymore. See my predicament?

...


MURDER!

or, better yet...

"I wanna fuck you like you're Hannibal"
a parody to come by yours-truly.

:::don't ask:::

Goodnight, or morning as the case may be.
I need to blow my nose again.

I also need to watch movies like The Big Lebowski and Oh Brother, Where Art Thou? a few thousand times over the course of the next few weeks. Yes, that will do nicely.

renwick suggests magnesium.
I wonder...

Comments

[android23.livejournal.com]

But now I ask all of you...if I walk up and kiss you on the cheek, will you be weirded-out? If I take your hand in mine and tell you how much I adore you, how very important you are to me as a friend, as a confidante, will you pull it away?
Bring it on.

[jjjiii]

I'll second that.

[thedarksiren.livejournal.com]

HA HA! Awesome.

Such a nice feeling, knowing that it is OK, I mean. It's going to take over-riding some instincts inside, the ones that tell me to give a person their space more often than not.

I like being in your space, however, and enjoy your company tremendously. I guess the trick is to challenge those instincts themselves, and take risks of making someone uncomfortable in hopes of helping them to understand that they are loved. If they tell me to fuck off (which I don't think you would do, just talking about the proverbial *they*), then at least I will have taken the chance, rather than dying knowing I never let them know how I felt, right?

[jjjiii]

Well, I won't tell you to fuck off, then.

Thanks for making me feel special:)

[thedarksiren.livejournal.com]

grazie, e mi piace.
~8)

Funny...

[thedarksiren.livejournal.com]

of all the people that might have answered this, I somehow knew you wouldn't be afraid. As a matter of fact, I find myself envious of you in public places. You are incredibly affectionate with your friends, and you seem to have no fear of being who you are wherever you are, and, moreover, fearless of touching someone else (and no, I do not mean it like that~;P) when the notion tickles your fancy.

Challenge accepted, however.
and thank you.
~8)

[wraptboy.livejournal.com]

Hugs are good drugs, as you say all the time! I was surprised, in a good way, by the hug I got when you came home. I can't think of anything that would have made me feel better after this weekend than the hug I got from you, and then the one from bindrune later.

[thedarksiren.livejournal.com]

I am glad you took it as I gave it to you, as open and hungry as I was for it. I think we will be talking more about this over time, especially the next few weeks while we are both off from some of our obligations.

I am jealous you get work off though. Biznatch.~;P

[ciani.livejournal.com]

I'd never be weirded out by such a thing. I miss that kind of contact with my friends as well.

[thedarksiren.livejournal.com]

We still need to get coffee, don't we? My break starts next week. Let's make some plans, OK?

[ciani.livejournal.com]

I'll be gone all next week in MA for christmas. When is your break over? The week after?

[ciani.livejournal.com]

Er, I meant to say, can we get together the week after? It's still early :)

[thedarksiren.livejournal.com]

I'm back in school the week of the 12th I think.

[ciani.livejournal.com]

Okay. Well, I will be back shortly before new years. I'll be definitely stopping by your house ON New years eve :) :)

hmm. how about Tuesday the 30th? Or after new years?

I know what you mean....

[lonewolf73.livejournal.com]

I don't think anyone has less contact with thier friends than me. I literally almost never see anyone anymore. As for the hugs and kisses on the cheek, those owuld be all welcome and stuff.
You should try to join up in the tradition I want to start on Sunday nights. Though last night it didn't happen due to sickness. Maybe next sunday, head to IHOP on Brookpark rd., there should hopefully be many friends there.

Re: I know what you mean....

[thedarksiren.livejournal.com]

That sounds like a possible plan.~8)

I try to stay in-touch with people as much as I can, but it's been very difficult. And even the ones I do keep in contact with, I am just distant, whether we are 2 feet or 200 miles away from each other.

There are a couple of people whom I feel I can be in contact with, physically, and not shy away from. Hugs are such a big thing to me, and really let me know whom I am dealing with on any given day. Aside from that, it is contact, which is so important considering how little of this I get otherwise. It's almost like I forget that I am human for a little while, as though I am just a robot moving on forward without emotion, and I am all but suffocating in that thought anymore.

I have been shown a "light" of sorts, and if I close my eyes it's still there. I would be a complete and total idiot if I chose to ignore this. So now I want to embrace it a bit -- don't worry, it's not religion. It's far more intense than anything like that.~8)

[dyadfaerie.livejournal.com]

I would not be weirded out.

I agree that hugs are the best drugs.

and cookie monster disguised as elmo scarves are the best :)

[thedarksiren.livejournal.com]

yay! yes they are, and thank jjjiii for the scarf...he gave it to me after he got back from NY last year. It does rock though, doesn't it?~8)

[riverbank.livejournal.com]

*holds a hand out*
its an unusual feeling this human touch but i'll be brave

[thedarksiren.livejournal.com]

~8)

me too.

we so need to steal you away to Cleveland for a while, or invade your world, anyway.

[riverbank.livejournal.com]

i would love to!

[thedarksiren.livejournal.com]

we're gonna have to work on this, you know.~;) You are *always* welcome in our home, B.

[riverbank.livejournal.com]

umm well i'm already planning a trip back to illinois in fall maybe i can hop on over to ohio from there. ohio right?

[thedarksiren.livejournal.com]

yup, Ohio. Cleveland, to be exact.

When in the fall were you thinking? I only ask because I may be moving several hours south in late august, and would hate to miss the chance to meet you IRL!

[riverbank.livejournal.com]

it's not that planned
illinois is damn hot in august *ummmf*
don't worry i'll let you know when it draws nearer.

are you moving to another school?

[thedarksiren.livejournal.com]

similarly, nothing is set-in-stone, but yes, I have to go to another school to get my bachelor's in music performance. I love my community college, but they do not offer this to music majors. About the closest I could come is an associate's in liberal arts.

If I move, it will likely be late August, either way, and won't be too far from here. Just need a change of scenery, as I think I have become too complacent here. Things are too easy, and i need a challenge to keep me motivated. A new place, new faces, new ideas...it sounds like what I need to do. I was just telling bindrune the other day that it almost doesn't even feel like a choice anymore. It feels as though I am being pushed to go somewhere else.

Anyway, I am done blathering. Have a wonderful holiday, my friend!(((HUGZ!)))

[riverbank.livejournal.com]

thank you for the card... my jaw dropped. you stinker ; p

[thedarksiren.livejournal.com]

I aim to please!~;P

[bindrune.livejournal.com]

i love you dawn dawn. whatever you need, i'm up for it. see you wednesday!

[thedarksiren.livejournal.com]

I love you too, sweetie. Thanks.

Also, the show starts at noon at Tower City. How does that sound? It's 3.5 hours long...OMFG

[jjjiii]

I always wanted to start a band called Olivia Neutered John. I'm not sure but I think someone may have beaten me to it, but I still get wistful when I think of it...

[thedarksiren.livejournal.com]

:::tries to imagine a li'l silvery fish as wistful, and dies in a ball of giggles:::

~8D

you so rock, you know that?

[nemesisn72.livejournal.com]

Dawn-Dawns are not allowed to be sad!

Oh, and you can give me a smooch anytime!

<3

[thedarksiren.livejournal.com]

we have our moments, whether we are allowed or not.~;)

Thanks hon.
*MUAH!*

[dv8productions.livejournal.com]

smooch away :) I love the human touch... from the right people.

Rest assured, if I spend any amount of time in your presence, I do actually like you; thus making contact desireable.

[thedarksiren.livejournal.com]

You're one of the few people I don't feel that I need to hold back from, to be honest. Thank you for the reassurance, however - I'll take all the encouragement I can get right now. ~8)

[dv8productions.livejournal.com]

I'm flattered you feel that comfortable with me. I like to think I'm pretty open with those I care about and I'm always glad to hear when it shows.

[avatar-x.livejournal.com]

But now I ask all of you...if I walk up and kiss you on the cheek, will you be weirded-out? If I take your hand in mine and tell you how much I adore you, how very important you are to me as a friend, as a confidante, will you pull it away?

Certainly not- fire away. heh.

On a more serious note: I have been angry at you for very poor reasons. I hope you can accept my sincere apology.

[thedarksiren.livejournal.com]

It's all good, and has been since you accepted a hug from me again.~8)

No worries.

*takes out flame-thrower to accomplish said "firing-away"*

~8D

[avatar-x.livejournal.com]

I figured maybe that was the case? But I still wanted to make it official, so that I would be acting rightly.

And watch where you point that thing!