random blathering...

[thedarksiren2]

It has been a relatively quiet few weeks for me. I have been really busy, honestly, so getting online for more than a few minutes to say hey or whatever is all the time I have. Today, for instance, I have to finish writing a statement as to why I am worthy of getting a scholarship from the Tri-C Foundation in Liberal Arts. *shrugs* I am not so good at selling myself, but Kira gave me some pointers so I will work a li'l more with her on it.

Speaking of scholarships, I need to schedule my auditions at other schools. Yup, I think I'll be moving on by next fall. It is necessary, seeing as Tri-C doesn't offer an actual music degree - which is sad, imo, considering they have some really incredible faculty in that department. Where am I thinking of going? I considered a lot of places here in Cleveland, but none are specific schools for opera, whereas other schools elsewhere do have programs just for that degree. I love Cleveland, have spent the past ten years or so making a life here and some of the best friends a person could possibly hope for. Up until this town though, I moved around from CA to VA, and a few spots between here and there. 26 "homes" between the ages of 10 and 26. Crrrrazy!

Not that I want to become a gypsy or anything, but I think going someplace where I won't have quite as many distractions may be a good plan. Michigan is a big one, Miami University in FLA is another. Both have excellent music programs with very specific class structures focused on what I want. My one professor wants me to go to Ohio U., but I won't know that I want to live in southern OH, let alone someplace with a big party crew. I mean, I know that, no matter where I go there will be such things, and don't get me wrong - I love a good time and all, but again, distractions.

Cincinnati was another thought, but well...I guess I just want to get out of Ohio for a while.

I have also considered going abroad for education. I hear that in some places you can go to school for free, you just have to find a place/ the means to live.

It's all scary and exciting to think about. I am losing motivation the longer I stay here is the thing. I know that, in the grand scheme of things, it's all in me, no matter where I go or where I live. I have the propensity to get bored easily, and I have honestly gotten further in the past few years than I ever anticipated. What can I say? Self-confidence is only a half-suit for me.


Other signs that I need to move on? This one is kinda screwy, but well, it's my head, so deal.~8P I have been all mopey about being lonely, not connecting, blah-dee-blah. I have started meeting people and going on li'l pseudo-dates (even if not planned as such, they turned out to be). I have people I am interested in, but like lonewolf73 said - I am so busy with other shtuff, would it even be worth it to try? He didn't exactly say that, he just said that he thinks people are intimidated by my drive, and possibly afraid they will be "run over" should they step in my way. Maybe this is why the few people whom I have gone out with recently are OK with me - they just don't know any better.

Maybe I am self-defeating in all of this, but it's hard not to be when I have been "stagnant" for such a long time. It occurs to me that I could keep going to school and fall right into working once I have graduated. What then? Work and work some more, get lost in the oblivion of perpetual motion...I forgot the longing for companionship for a long time. I kinda miss that, kept me more focused on getting done with what I need to be done. But what of life without passions? Without drive and stimulation, be it mental or physical?

I just don't know or understand any of this. Does anyone? Really? Maybe there are no answers, just patterns...of love, longing, apathy, annoyance, depression & dismay...what if every emotion we had was like a blip on a grid, just some random glitch in Microsoft Life?

*smirks*

Yup, computers have soiled my soul.
heh

I need a bath...who wants to wash my back?
~08D


In other news, this is the first Halloween ever where:

A. I have no costume.
B. I didn't carve a pumpkin.
C. I didn't share a pomegranate with someone special (broad spectrum, not lover-based).
D. I have no set plans for the night.
E. I have to work.

I usually do a cleansing of the home with sage and seawater - super-uber pagan shite, yeah yeah...See, I like the ideas behind rituals, but have zero interest in subscribing to any set belief systems. I know what feels right and good to me, and really, I could just walk around with the thought of my house being free of the ick that may be present -- altars and candles and incense, what-have-you, they are all just physical manifestations of spiritual tools, IMO. They remind me what direction I am heading as they take up space and perhaps a little time. I can do everything just as easily with my mind, should I put forth the focus. The question is, do I want to in either direction? Maybe if I just let the spirits roam freely, the chaos will manifest in such a way as to become entertaining and inspirational!


Speaking of inspiration, I get some lyrics FINALLY from Adam this weekend at the Altered Egos show. He gave me music about a month or so ago, said he already had lyrics and melody for it. This kinda bummed me out, just because I like writing my own and creating my own melodies, but it is an opportunity to sing, so I won't complain. I miss working on original music, having some input on it. Yeah, even in the midst of all the classical styles I miss having a band of some sort. I have an opportunity of sorts with Busher, but for some reason I shy away from it. I should just call him and be done with it...he writes really amazing shtuff. Maybe it's fear of success?? Who the fook knows.

On this same note, a recent offer to do music with some of Cleveland's finest musicians has me incredibly excited.~8)

Blathering gobbledee-goo.
I need to eat breakfast now.

Thanks for taking a ride with me. I enjoy yer company.


Happy Halloween/ Samhain/ Whateverdayyoucallit, everyone.
Have fun, be safe, and save me a kiss for later.

Comments

[evilshell.livejournal.com]

Try and come over here .... you know you want to :)

Seriously, tho, I think it might be what you need. You've got the talent and the drive - come here where you get some of the best experts and all of that.

[thedarksiren.livejournal.com]

Looking into it...~;)

[ciani.livejournal.com]

I can't wait to hear the music with your voice instead of the synth one ;)

[thedarksiren.livejournal.com]

aww!

I am *super* excited about Droid's offer!!!
*bounce!*

BTW...your hair looked incredible for your costume! I am so sad I didn't get to see it IRL.~{8/

Such talent...~;)

[ciani.livejournal.com]

thank you :) I'm importing the pics from last night and I'll be putting them up in a little while.

[kajmal.livejournal.com]

I think you should move to the place that has the school with the best opera program that'll accept you. Any place you live will have things and people you like and dislike. Any chance of getting into a school like Berklee? I know tons of awesome people in Boston, some of whom do really cool music (http://www.aumlaut.net/ if ya wanna check out their stuff. IMO they -need- a singer. http://www.aumlaut.net/audio/aumlaut_vx.mp3 for their last creation :)

Regardless of where you go, I have complete faith that you'll do well. You have your eye on something you're passionate about and are determined to get it. This shows in almost every facet of your personality and some people find that intimidating. I understand the need for companionship.. every artist needs their muse. ;-) However this seems to be the only obvious way you don't seize what you have your eye on. If you know someone likes you, and you like them but the only thing between you is the fact that they don't know you like them, who's responsibility is it to clear the air?

*scrubs yer back*

*MUAH!*

[thedarksiren.livejournal.com]

thanks for the votes of confidence!~8)

Actually, I looked into Berklee, but they don't focus in opera. They are more about contemporary and rock, not to mention the apparently high propensity for ageism, something I do not want to deal with unless absolutely necessary.

As for the liking people, you're right, I don't tend to pursue people very much. I am not always very confident in my ability to tell when I have "a chance," which, yes, would be known should I say something. I guess the fear of rejection is higher than the longing for companionship. I dunno...moments, all moments.

How's Chicago treating you? Having fun?

[kajmal.livejournal.com]

Chicago's treating me very well. Havin lots o fun n schtuff. :)

What's the difference between putting your pride on the line to know if someone likes you, and standing in front of a bunch of people and performing, hoping they like you? I think the difference is the fact that you're confident in your singing ability. It seems like you really have no clue as to how awesome you are, no matter how many people tell you. Fear of rejection is the symptom, lack of confidence is the cause. You're beautiful... you'll learn that someday. :-P

[thedarksiren.livejournal.com]

What's the difference between putting your pride on the line to know if someone likes you, and standing in front of a bunch of people and performing, hoping they like you? etc.

The difference is that I don't care if anyone likes me when I am on stage. I just want an affect, be it good or bad. It's about the art, not about me.

The other thing is that I do not feel that I am that lacking in self-confidence, not like you're portraying me to be anyway. I know I am beautiful in many ways, but like pretty much EVERYONE I know, I have demons from my past which stunt my growth at times. Other times, I am soaring above the trees.

See, the thing is, I am not incredibly interested in most people for relationships. I am picky...you know that. When I mention having a crush, that's all it is...a physical attraction. That, in and of itself, does not interest me much. Sex is a great thing, but it isn't what I hunger for when it comes down to human interactions. I have done it, kept things on a sexual level. Either it just dies away, or I become very bored and almost apathetic about the whole thing and it becomes null and void. There has to be something else for me to remain interested.

When I am truly interested in someone, I will pursue them. Ask theswede how we met, and then began dating. I even pursued renwick, at least as equally as he pursued me.

Crushes are just flings in the lustful mind.

I'm a fucking diva, be it in singing or otherwise.~;) I am easily the most rad person I know, for chrissake!

See ya in a few days.

[kajmal.livejournal.com]

OK that makes more sense. I was getting the impression that you were unsure if the person liked you, hence apprehensive in persuing anything. I know you're picky (bows deeply :) but I didn't get the impression that it was the central reason. Thanks for clearing that up. :) I'm picky too, but in a different way. I'm picky about how much time I spend around certain people. How that time is spent is another matter. I've learned to be casual about sex in many cases, to (at least so far) my benefit and everyone else involved. I used to loathe the idea of being that way about sex, but I've found just being honest with everyone makes a lot of the bad things about being that way go away (though of course not everything). If I ask a girl to be my 'girlfriend', you'd better believe it's because I think being with them is the most valuable use of my time. *sigh*.. but yeah, that's why I read your post the way I did.. because of course, we have different views on the subject. :-)

[digitylgoddess.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

Being recently thrust back into the realm of "lonely", I can certainly hear what you're saying. After all...I myself had been quite alone for, *sigh* a long, long time.

angellafurious tells me that I need to do what's good for *me*. That's hard to do sometimes, when all I really want is David back in my life...and for things to be the way they used to be.

If a change of venue is what's needed to charge and boost your spirits, then it must be done (though we'd miss you!). It really *does* all come down to doing right by YOU.

[thedarksiren.livejournal.com]

I am still in awe of the recent events in your life. I know how hard it is to lose someone just like that, and can empathize very much. (((HUGZ)))

angellafurious is right though...doing right by oneself is incredibly important, and yes, damn hard. It's so much easier to do right by others sometimes. I think that doing right by yourself is harder to enjoy than helping others too. It's that whole, "Am I being too selfish?" thing.

I don't know if I will stay put for a while or not. Just rambling along, really. I am sure it will come to me when I am ready to see it though.

Thanks for the advice.
Take care of you, too.
(((HUGZ!)))