Cobwebs cloud the eyes and then I am more awake than ever

[thedarksiren2]

To start with, I had half a thought to lock this post, and even did for a short time. Then, the more I thought about it, the more I figured that the world needs more raw emotions. People are too damn sustained anymore, and eff that. The only things that need sustained are in music and court.

So there.
~8P

On with the program...

I never cease to amaze me.
really.

I had to call-off from work today because, well...hang on a sec.

back-tracking...
buh-duum
buh-duum

Friday was awesome-in-a-nutshell.

The art was outstanding, the music bounding off of walls and flesh and ink until the echoes were all that was left. One Aside, my little duo with Desiree, we did a damn fine job considering the lack of prep time. We even got a li'l pretentious and put out four rows of chairs to make people sit and pay attention; everyone seemed to be leaning toward the show being pretentious anyway...gotta please the masses, right?~;P

We started out with one of my originals, an a capella piece entitled, "Ode to Siren." No, it's not about me...I am self-oriented, but not self-centered, thank you. I wrote it after a marathon of medieval-based movies a few years ago, and it just wanted to come out to be heard for once. Besides, it's the only classical song I have written so far, and fit well into the set.

Next was Tchaikovsky. Then "Big My Secret" from The Piano. Soon after, a French Madrigal that translates to "Oh, When My Husband Staggers Home." Not as many people laughed as I thought they would...then again, I think some of them were still at a loss...two girls from out of nowhere, playing classical music while EBM/ Industrial and Barry Manilow's "Copa Cabana" bounded through the floors from the Chamber below (Note: I wish this event hadn't been the same night as spinmistress's last night at the Chamber. It would have been wonderful to spend more time enjoying her DJing, but I was a busy girl). It was hard to do though, no doubt about it.

The rest of our set was "Rubies and Gold" by Tori Amos (Desiree wanted to sing this for her boyfriend...too bad his sorry arse didn't show up!), "Ombra Mai fu" by Handel, and she ended the night with the main theme from The Piano, which I believe is called, "The Heart Asks Pleasure First."

When we were done, everyone was so thrilled, and we were both in awe that it turned out so well.

dv8productions did an outstanding job Djing, a helluva lot better than I did my first time! And the artwork...oh, the artwork...

There were readings done by some of the Nouveau writers, but I was gone for most of them. I caught the last two by sharpshinyclaws, and knew even more why I adore her.

I have so much more to say, as I did yesterday, but my mind is wandering in circles, and I am finding it hard to focus for very long on anything at all today. Basically I am warning any and all who read this...it is going to be a long ride tonight, and I am not in the mood to hide everything. Maybe some shtuff behind a cut, but mostly this needs to be seen, so I hope your eyes are wide.

I spent Saturday at the zoo with my Leahbug, her mom/ my sister Deb, our dad and laneybee. July 9th will be Leah's fifth birthday. It will be the first time I won't be around for her birthday, so I decided Saturday would be her day. wraptboy and I headed out to Wal-Mart for some kids clothes and not only did we find Leah the most adorable dress (bright, dark pink with purple ladybugs on it!), but there was this Power Puff girls shirt that was all psychedelic with reds and blues and purples...it rocked! Jay found her some red shorts to go along with it, and then we went perusing the shoe department for girlie tennis shoes.

We found ourselves in quite the predicament: Leah needed tennis shoes, Deb said so. Now, despite the fact that modern society has decided to make little girls clothes more adult, I am still pretty set in the idea that a five year-old girl should look five. I loved the clothes we got her, and we found these shoes that lit up when you walked, and they were exactly what I envision a little girl romping about in a playground. But then Jay found these rad-as-hell platformy-type tennis shoes with glitter all over them and stars for grommets, and I was absolutely enchanted. You see, the plan is to make a clone of me via the Leahbug, and thus far I think the plan is working out fairly well, all things considered. These shoes would be something that, if they were in an adult size, I would have bought them for myself. But, the functional use outweighed the appeal...sadness. But wait! Jay had money for both!

Leah later told me while we were at the zoo that she was going to wear her new butterfly purse (which she bought there) with her "diva clothes and shoes."

*tee!hee!*
:::flails and bounces giddily:::

This is where things get annoying.
We were leaving the zoo when lo and behold! My passenger-side tire is showing some belts...NOT a good sign, nope nope. Da says to head over to WalMart to get it fixed...they sell tires pretty cheaply, and will rotate them well.

I drove home first, having to call ravenskuld because we were supposed to meet for dinner. he wound up meeting me at WalMart, and the automotive department was closed.

Let me say here and now just what a pain the arse it is getting to WalMart these days. I have to drve through Brooklyn and Parma-ish lands because they closed the one ramp to 480 -- not fun. Just a pain in the arse, and I am almost certain it is a ploy by the city to earn more money.

Anyway...ravenskuld's hair is a curly-q, midnight-blue mohawk right now. It looks really good on him though, which is cool. He also looks healthier than I have seen him in forever. We hugged hello, and I remembered why I adore his hugs almost better than anyone's, chatted a bit in the parking lot and then went off to Jawndomay.

He followed me home where I proceeded to make coffee and wraptboy and bindrune walked in soon thereafter. He and I talked for a while about our lives, how we are changing, how events will change us. Unfortunately, he had to go (BTW...I did try to call zereal's house to let them know you were on the way, but it was busy! I am sorry hon...I tried!) I was pretty much brian-dead because I was so tired from the last two days, but we had to go to Willoughby to return Brain's keyboard and other equipment. Thank goodness that bindrune's Granny-car fit it all in her trunk nice and snuggly.

To Brain's...we walk in search of the bonfire, find people laughing and piling wood high onto the fire. I think bindrune was mezmerized. I, however, found a Bill, and Bill and I talked about ambitions, music, desires, relationships, health and the state the mind goes into when you are unhealthy in general, and how that can take its toll on the people who love you. He's such a neat guy, yet another person whom I can talk to for hours on end about anything and everything under the sun! Unfortunately, time is never on either of our sides. I had so much fun sitting by the fire with him though, our conversations ranging from travel to porn...he went on about how there are two ratings to Calligula, neither of which I have seen. It was hysterical to listen to him though...he's very smart and interesting...no wonder Paula adores him so!

Once we all had our fill of bonfires,chicken-in-a-biscuit and cheese-in-a-can, Calligula and mosquitoes, we headed over to Brain and Fran's to unload the music equipment. Fran told me she would lend me her video camera for Rome, which is super cool.

Sunday...drive to Wal-Mart, AGAIN...three times now in two days. The world was changing before my eyes, everything more sensitive than I could handle. But I needed a new tire, so I endured.

Of course, I had no idea exactly what I would have to endure, but I managed.

First, they wouldn't replace my tire because my tie rod was shot. The guy made me believe that the thing was about to fall to the ground, and I fought the frantics. Why now? Why right before I leave when I need the money the most??? I had heard I was paying off some hefty Karmic debt this week, but man! So i left it for them to do an oil change, and went shopping for other necessary evils for the trip, trying to get my mind off of the frantic-urges.

wraptboy said something about Stephen King (I believe?) uses the concept of Ka in his writings. Destiny, is it? Call it whatever you like. I don't know or care, really. All I know is that I turned a corner in WalHEL-Mart and there stood a Mrs. Misty Sloan and her baby.


Misty and I were extremely close for about two years. We met while working at a daycare, and were all but inseparable after.

Her father killed himself one day, and her mother called the daycare to ask me to tell her. I agreed...she didn't like her mom much, and she trusted me implicitly. Needless to say, she was devastated. I went with her to his funeral, my first Catholic funeral (don't ask how or why they accepted him as forgiven when he committed suicide...I don't understand it). I remember her laughing during the ceremony -- the woman singing was awful, and she said she would have to remember to have me sing next time someone dies in her family. Her brother didn't think it was very funny.

She got stuck with her father's house and bills, and I tried to remain supportive, but she needed something, perhaps someone, else. So I introduced her to Matthew Sloan, long-time friend of mine in VA. I told them they had a lot in common, and should become pen-pals.

Eventually he came to meet her in real life.
They fell madly in love, and he moved up here.

During this same frame of time, my ex and I were going through our six-months-of-hell break-up. I was a wreck, and would go to Misty and Matt for support. I noticed, however, that since Misty had begun dancing (she became a stripper for a while), she was smoking much more weed than I had ever seen anyone do (Just FYI -- I lived with some of the biggest potheads in CLeveland for about two years, so I am qualified to make this statement~8P) and became worried.

Now, I realized much later that I had become more motherly perhaps than I should have, but I was really concerned about her, and perhaps just trying to find hope in other people's relationships while mine diminished horribly. The last time I saw Matthew was shortly after Chris and I broke up. I had just moved into my new place in Old Brooklyn, and I wanted him and Misty to come see it.

He wouldn't look me in the eye, and kept saying he wasn't sure he could because he was waiting for Misty to come home to make dinner. I asked when that would be...seven or so. It was four. I told him he didn't have to stay...I really just needed to share it with someone, to feel supported by my friends, and they should both come over. He said maybe.

It was at this moment I noticed that all the pictures that had been up around their house of me, they were gone. All the fun Misty and I had shared, all the joy and pain...any visual records were now invisible. I asked him if something was up -- he said Misty had moved them to their room, that she was redecorating.

It wasn't until a few weeks later that I understood why Matthew had said, "Goodbye, Dawn," instead of "see ya around."

They never spoke to me after that, never gave me a reason. I had lost the two people I trusted most in the entire world, as well as lost my boyfriend of nearly three years. All this in a matter of three weeks. All I could think of was how there had to be something wrong with me, something I had done wrong. I sent letters to them all, asking what I had done. Chris just told me it wasn't me, it was him, and really that wasn't a lie. Misty and Matthew never responded.

Weeks later, while standing in the now extinct Phoenix Coffee House on W25th, I was informed that my boyfriend had cheated on me with the last person whom I trusted...Kent.

Four people. roughly two months. I about lost it. No, I DID lose it, completely.

I wish I could explain to everyone how gratifying the look on Chris' face was when i asked him whether or not Kat was good in bed because, well, I was thinking I might like to try dating her, but wanted my first experience with a girl to be worth my time.

She walked out of the tattoo shop moments later, saying something like, "I guess now isn't a good time to ask you if you want to hang out later, huh Dawn?"

I told her never again would be too soon.

Eventually, it was revealed to me that Chris had cheated on me numerous times, from blow jobs as payment for tattoos to sex in cheap motels.

And with Misty.

Two years later I received a letter from Matthew begging forgiveness for abandoning me when i needed him (and Misty) as friends and support. I wrote back and said that I was hurt, explained why, and said I only wanted to correspond with him if it was OK with Misty because i didn't want anymore drama.

What was I thinking?
I wasn't...I missed Matthew, and still do. She eventually wrote me back, saying nothing of great importance yet vaguely hinting at the fact that certain things could destroy their marriage (yes, they got married in the two years between our correspondence) and she would rather I didn't.

I told her it was her conscience, that I had let it go because I had to. I also said I didn't want to hurt Matthew, so no worries.

Needless to say, I never heard from either of them again. I remained in contact with Matthew's mother, Susan, who had been like a second mom to me for years. She told me that they had a baby, and somewhere deep inside, similar to when I heard they had gotten married, my heart ached tremendously. I had known Matt since ninth grade, he had been one of the few friends from VA I had kept when I moved to Ohio, and I could not share his joy in being married. I could not congratulate him on becoming a father. Hell, I couldn't even say hello anymore.


Misty was wearing red on Sunday, and her lips were filled in just as red, her hair black as it had ever been. Her giant blue eyes met mine as I turned the corner from linens to toys, and we both stopped to stare for a moment that felt like a hundred.

I smiled, both because I was bemused and nervous.
She blinked, looked down at her baby, and turned around fast with her cart.
My heart jumped into my throat, and then fell below my intestines, making my stomach uncomfortable. Still, I managed to scoff, and turned back around to find Jay again.

I told him I saw her, and he was amused. I told him that she looked terrified, and really, she did. And as we passed the aisle where she stood with Matthew and their child, neither of them noticing us as we passed, I felt an overwhelming sadness.

It was father's day, and I couldn't tell a childhood friend "Happy father's Day" because his wife feared I would tell him more, and he didn't even understand why I couldn't necessarily. I don't know what he knows, if he knows anything...he had once made mention during the brief period of letters that he suspected she and Chris had been together. I lied and told him no, that they were just having troubles like any other couple does.

I was, and remain, a threat to that relationship.
I laughed about this, and became almost manic for the next twenty minutes or so. I had to do something, to avoid the sickness welling inside of me. I just didn't want to fall apart in that fucking store.

The thing is, she didn't have to be afraid of me. I told her I wouldn't say anything, and I fucking lied to Matt to make sure he didn't get hurt. The last thing I ever wanted was for either of them to hurt.

But why? She sure as hell didn't take my needs or emotions into consideration when she slept with Chris.

I was thrown...she didn't have to turn around and all but run from me. I am not a monster, not some demon that will swallow her soul. What was I going to do anyway? She had her child with her, like I would interfere with that? I would have been civil, maybe even said, "Hello, how are you doing?" It's been six years now, and more than the event of seeing her and Matthew and their baby itself, her reaction to me was what stung the most.

As I drove home, Jay sitting quietly as I blasted the music, all I thought of was what it must feel like, being your own demon, swallowing your own soul.

I know, although I seem to recall purging myself of me before I was finished. I was not the bad guy in the whole thing, nothing was my fault. If nothing else, I was simply colorblind to those whom I thought I could trust. Good thing someone lent me some good glasses.

Came home, got lost in this glowing box for a few hours, cute boys IMing me from MI to Sweden, telling me what a beautiful person I am, affirming my self-confidence and pride. Misty and Matthew all but disappeared from my mind, and because of these talented people, I managed to avoid a flood.

***

I wound up calling off from work because I couldn't get my car fixed until after five today. Da came up from work, we took the tire in to be mounted and rotated, and he checked the tie rod.

He said it would survive me driving it another week without too much wear on the new tire, and that he would fix it while I am in Italy. My dad rawks.

He had brought me luggage to use for my trip, but it decided to fall apart when I opened it, so I would have to find another solution.

Oh, and then...THEN I realized that the two good, expensive bras I bought yesterday were nowhere to be found. Called WalHELL-Mart to ask them if they were there still. yup, off to the place for yet a fourth trip.

Got my bras, and Jay found a suitcase that read, "ROME" on it.

I decided it was a sign, and bought it.

I have so much to do in a week's time...I am trying not to panic, and honestly it barely seems real to me yet. I think I told riverbank that it will likely hit me on the plane, and then I'll be so excited and frantic I won't be able to sleep.

Of course, the cool thing is I get to see almost everyone I want to see before I leave, including kajmal during my 6-hour layover in Newark, NJ. This makes the trip even better, knowing that I can see everyone and leave them knowing that I send them my love and friendship while i am away.

The time is now 12:10A.M. EDT.
7 days, 7 hours and 30 minutes until I (seemingly) make the most gigantic leap of my life.

I hope the lilly-pads are strong in Rome.

Comments

[ironheadjane.livejournal.com]

Not long to go! Best of luck on your journey preparations... and of course, your journey!

[thedarksiren.livejournal.com]

Thank you, hon.
(((HUGZ!)))

[zerael.livejournal.com]

it's okay sweetie, ravenskuld is never on time........and remember........it's always his fault, no matter what..........:)

zerael

[thedarksiren.livejournal.com]

tee!hee!

thanks Z.

[dybbuk67.livejournal.com]

Here is to you having an incredible time in rome.

I'll light a nice yellow candle and chant some meaningful hebrew phrases over it if you like.

[thedarksiren.livejournal.com]

Well, tell me what exactly the significance of the yellow candle is, and then maybe I'll accept. Honestly, I don't know much about Hebrew shtuff.~8/ It sounds like a nice thing though, so thank you!

[dybbuk67.livejournal.com]

The way yellow has always been explained to me is "general wellbeing/happiness"

And hebrew is just how I power any rituals I do...my own way to gnosis.

[thedarksiren.livejournal.com]

right on.

chant away and know that I am thankful for it!
(((HUGZ!)))

Postcards

[poliwitch.livejournal.com]

I'll trade cheesey Ohio Postcards with you for ones from Rome:)

I am so proud of you Dark Siren dear. I know you will do fantastic, and things well that would be giving life secrets away wouldn't it?

If I don't get to tell you before safe journey my friend, Kick some major singing butt, and may you have the best experience possible:)
Safe Journey, and Know you are Cherished LOVED AND Adored by many:)

Re: Postcards

[thedarksiren.livejournal.com]

Awww!!!!

*wipes sap-induced tears from her eyes*

There's a reason I asked you for your snail-mail addy, silly!
Thank you *so* much!

*MUAH!*

[sharpshinyclaws.livejournal.com]

If I were you, I'd try falling in love with one of the other students and then moving to India with him and never coming back here.
To solve the problem of ditching all your friends, you should move us all out there, where we can sit by the hot lagoons drinking cold tea and watching cows munching on the lilies.

[bigsam.livejournal.com]

sounds like a plan, lets you and i do that.

"being your own demon"

[erik-j-meyer.livejournal.com]

"being your own demon"

Oh I know that one so well.

A postcard from Rome for a postcard, or three, from Pennsic might not be an equal trade, but it is the best I have to offer right now.

Re: "being your own demon"

[thedarksiren.livejournal.com]

don't we all?

You don't need to send me anything from Pennsic either, love. I was going to send you a postcard regardless of your request!
(((HUGZ!)))

[jjjiii]

Thanks for sharing that story.

On a more practical note, I have to wonder why you take your car to Wal-Mart. There's got to be a better place than that to take your car to. Are you happy with the service they gave?

[thedarksiren.livejournal.com]

I used to go to Penske, just because my dad liked them and they were very reliable.

Once they shut down, I have had a hard time finding anywhere else that didn't charge an arm and a leg for an oil change. Wal Mart charges like $18 for the oil, filter, checks breaks, fluids elsewhere, tires, like 15 things all together.

Oh, and they vacuumed my car.
That, in and of itself, is reason enough to go there! LOL

but yes...aside from the tire BS, I found them very good and friendly.

[nemesisn72.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I really wish I could have heard you sing. You have such an enchanting voice.

If I don't get the chance to see/speak to you before your trip, HAVE FUN!!!!!!!!!!!

<3

[thedarksiren.livejournal.com]

thanks hon.

I may stop by the Chamber this weekend for a minute, although honestly the appeal of super-smokey bars before i go to Rome isn't very high -- I think I lost all my tolerance for such things during my hermitting this winter, so I get bad sinus-gunkies everytime I go anymore.~8(

We'll see...and you have a fun, wonderful summer too!

[riverbank.livejournal.com]

world needs more raw emotions *here here!*

curlie blue mohawk how cute (thinks mohawks are so cool)

so i gotta read the rest of this post now...

[riverbank.livejournal.com]

wow what experiences you've lived so far! i can't say there's that much drama around here.

[thedarksiren.livejournal.com]

lol

there's a reason I made up Zee Rulz (http://www.livejournal.com/userinfo.bml?user=thedarksiren)! NO DRAMA!!! I've had enough already, thank you.

and people wonder why I respond "a rollercoaster" when they ask me to describe my life so far in one word! ~;D

[thedarksiren.livejournal.com]

you kill me sometimes, you know that?

Re:

[riverbank.livejournal.com]

happy to be of service