(no subject)

What a F&^*$#% CRAZY weekend it has been.

Friday I met up with deep-voiced Kevin for breakfast. It was nice to see him, to just sit and talk to and listen to him. He shared a wonderful short-story he wrote, and then expanded on it to the point where I didn't want to leave -- I just wanted him to keep telling me the story, to keep telling me where it came from within him. He's this incredibly talented, creative person whom I wish i had more time to know better. Then again, I am allowed to know what I am allowed to know, I guess, so why fret over something I cannot control, right?

riiiight.

After, I went to CCC for a tutoring session with Kira, and by some blessing of some god/ deity-thinger, she decided to only ask me to finish the chapter of theory I am in before I leave, take the test this Tuesday and then be done until I get to Rome.

9 days.
heh, NOW today makes sense to me.
well, kinda.

Race to Parma, practice #3 with Desiree...it won't get any better. No one will know anyway except for the few other music students we know will be there.

Home-bound...what to wear, what to wear...Friday was hot, muggy, perfect day for the make-up to sweat off my face, into my eyes, stinging, blurring a bit of my vision. I wiped it off, helped pack up Fairuza and Jay's truck with artwork and musical equipment and then we were off to the Phantasy.

Setting up began a bit chaotic, but then people just started moving, and there was so much amazing artwork up on the walls by the time we were all done. People brought so much equipment to help out, and then I realized that the one guy, Dave from Save Your Heroes, I knew him from Brady's in Kent. We met doing open-mic night there years ago...an almost surreal reunion, really. He was a tremendous help though, being the one person who really had any clue (to my knowledge at that point, anyway)
how to put up the sound system David K. had brought. I think we'd have been up a creek had he not been around to help.

The crowd wasn't huge, but it was apparently better than last year's Night Gallery. I saw so many people that I might not have seen before I leave, which made me very happy. I was super-excited that renwick showed up with his art, and several pieces that I hadn't seen before no less! It was just great seeing his work and him after much too long a time. I miss the boy with the sexy-mess hair!

I was bummed that I didn't get to meet theta_waves, which is totally ridiculous because I looked right at her and didn't even know it was her! LOL She took some way-silly pics of Jay's freaky baby dolls, especially the one with the black flaccid penis!LOL Maybe next time we'll both realize who we're looking at and have an actual conversation. I am so bummed we didn't get to that night.

My senses over the past few weeks have seemed more keen, except for my sense of smell, which is really odd. All my life my sense of smell has been the strongest sense I have had. But recently, my eyes and ears are much more in tune with the universe it seems, along with theoretical senses which I could elaborate on but have no way to do so other than to explain the other night.

My eyes were candied-apples, glazed in rapture and delight.

My taste-buds like hungry lotus blossoms, lips to the sky and overflowing.

My ears were raised and focused, much like a rabbit about to make chase
or a deer in headlights

My hands were eagerly reaching, lifting, touching, holding, hugging; chenille pillow scraping past each inch of the art, having to touch, to know more intimately what each artist touched until they grew as raw.

Wow, I am so tired. I have a great deal more to say, but I think I will just go to bed instead. More perhaps tomorrow...too many emotions in three days.

and only 8 days, 22 hours and 21 minutes.
yes, it's like that now.

and, I can honestly say I am a nervous wreck about the whole thing. But that, my friends, is for tomorrow.

sweet dreams...visit my abstractions baby and feed her well in the next eight days...I want to see what is going on beneath the surface of everyone's mind.

toodles.

Cobwebs cloud the eyes and then I am more awake than ever

To start with, I had half a thought to lock this post, and even did for a short time. Then, the more I thought about it, the more I figured that the world needs more raw emotions. People are too damn sustained anymore, and eff that. The only things that need sustained are in music and court.

So there.
~8P

On with the program...

I never cease to amaze me.
really.

I had to call-off from work today because, well...hang on a sec.

back-tracking...
buh-duum
buh-duum

Friday was awesome-in-a-nutshell.

The art was outstanding, the music bounding off of walls and flesh and ink until the echoes were all that was left. One Aside, my little duo with Desiree, we did a damn fine job considering the lack of prep time. We even got a li'l pretentious and put out four rows of chairs to make people sit and pay attention; everyone seemed to be leaning toward the show being pretentious anyway...gotta please the masses, right?~;P

We started out with one of my originals, an a capella piece entitled, "Ode to Siren." No, it's not about me...I am self-oriented, but not self-centered, thank you. I wrote it after a marathon of medieval-based movies a few years ago, and it just wanted to come out to be heard for once. Besides, it's the only classical song I have written so far, and fit well into the set.

Next was Tchaikovsky. Then "Big My Secret" from The Piano. Soon after, a French Madrigal that translates to "Oh, When My Husband Staggers Home." Not as many people laughed as I thought they would...then again, I think some of them were still at a loss...two girls from out of nowhere, playing classical music while EBM/ Industrial and Barry Manilow's "Copa Cabana" bounded through the floors from the Chamber below (Note: I wish this event hadn't been the same night as spinmistress's last night at the Chamber. It would have been wonderful to spend more time enjoying her DJing, but I was a busy girl). It was hard to do though, no doubt about it.

The rest of our set was "Rubies and Gold" by Tori Amos (Desiree wanted to sing this for her boyfriend...too bad his sorry arse didn't show up!), "Ombra Mai fu" by Handel, and she ended the night with the main theme from The Piano, which I believe is called, "The Heart Asks Pleasure First."

When we were done, everyone was so thrilled, and we were both in awe that it turned out so well.

dv8productions did an outstanding job Djing, a helluva lot better than I did my first time! And the artwork...oh, the artwork...

There were readings done by some of the Nouveau writers, but I was gone for most of them. I caught the last two by sharpshinyclaws, and knew even more why I adore her.

I have so much more to say, as I did yesterday, but my mind is wandering in circles, and I am finding it hard to focus for very long on anything at all today. Basically I am warning any and all who read this...it is going to be a long ride tonight, and I am not in the mood to hide everything. Maybe some shtuff behind a cut, but mostly this needs to be seen, so I hope your eyes are wide.

I spent Saturday at the zoo with my Leahbug, her mom/ my sister Deb, our dad and laneybee. July 9th will be Leah's fifth birthday. It will be the first time I won't be around for her birthday, so I decided Saturday would be her day. wraptboy and I headed out to Wal-Mart for some kids clothes and not only did we find Leah the most adorable dress (bright, dark pink with purple ladybugs on it!), but there was this Power Puff girls shirt that was all psychedelic with reds and blues and purples...it rocked! Jay found her some red shorts to go along with it, and then we went perusing the shoe department for girlie tennis shoes.

We found ourselves in quite the predicament: Leah needed tennis shoes, Deb said so. Now, despite the fact that modern society has decided to make little girls clothes more adult, I am still pretty set in the idea that a five year-old girl should look five. I loved the clothes we got her, and we found these shoes that lit up when you walked, and they were exactly what I envision a little girl romping about in a playground. But then Jay found these rad-as-hell platformy-type tennis shoes with glitter all over them and stars for grommets, and I was absolutely enchanted. You see, the plan is to make a clone of me via the Leahbug, and thus far I think the plan is working out fairly well, all things considered. These shoes would be something that, if they were in an adult size, I would have bought them for myself. But, the functional use outweighed the appeal...sadness. But wait! Jay had money for both!

Leah later told me while we were at the zoo that she was going to wear her new butterfly purse (which she bought there) with her "diva clothes and shoes."

*tee!hee!*
:::flails and bounces giddily:::

This is where things get annoying.
We were leaving the zoo when lo and behold! My passenger-side tire is showing some belts...NOT a good sign, nope nope. Da says to head over to WalMart to get it fixed...they sell tires pretty cheaply, and will rotate them well.

I drove home first, having to call ravenskuld because we were supposed to meet for dinner. he wound up meeting me at WalMart, and the automotive department was closed.

Let me say here and now just what a pain the arse it is getting to WalMart these days. I have to drve through Brooklyn and Parma-ish lands because they closed the one ramp to 480 -- not fun. Just a pain in the arse, and I am almost certain it is a ploy by the city to earn more money.

Anyway...ravenskuld's hair is a curly-q, midnight-blue mohawk right now. It looks really good on him though, which is cool. He also looks healthier than I have seen him in forever. We hugged hello, and I remembered why I adore his hugs almost better than anyone's, chatted a bit in the parking lot and then went off to Jawndomay.

He followed me home where I proceeded to make coffee and wraptboy and bindrune walked in soon thereafter. He and I talked for a while about our lives, how we are changing, how events will change us. Unfortunately, he had to go (BTW...I did try to call zereal's house to let them know you were on the way, but it was busy! I am sorry hon...I tried!) I was pretty much brian-dead because I was so tired from the last two days, but we had to go to Willoughby to return Brain's keyboard and other equipment. Thank goodness that bindrune's Granny-car fit it all in her trunk nice and snuggly.

To Brain's...we walk in search of the bonfire, find people laughing and piling wood high onto the fire. I think bindrune was mezmerized. I, however, found a Bill, and Bill and I talked about ambitions, music, desires, relationships, health and the state the mind goes into when you are unhealthy in general, and how that can take its toll on the people who love you. He's such a neat guy, yet another person whom I can talk to for hours on end about anything and everything under the sun! Unfortunately, time is never on either of our sides. I had so much fun sitting by the fire with him though, our conversations ranging from travel to porn...he went on about how there are two ratings to Calligula, neither of which I have seen. It was hysterical to listen to him though...he's very smart and interesting...no wonder Paula adores him so!

Once we all had our fill of bonfires,chicken-in-a-biscuit and cheese-in-a-can, Calligula and mosquitoes, we headed over to Brain and Fran's to unload the music equipment. Fran told me she would lend me her video camera for Rome, which is super cool.

Sunday...drive to Wal-Mart, AGAIN...three times now in two days. The world was changing before my eyes, everything more sensitive than I could handle. But I needed a new tire, so I endured.

Of course, I had no idea exactly what I would have to endure, but I managed.

First, they wouldn't replace my tire because my tie rod was shot. The guy made me believe that the thing was about to fall to the ground, and I fought the frantics. Why now? Why right before I leave when I need the money the most??? I had heard I was paying off some hefty Karmic debt this week, but man! So i left it for them to do an oil change, and went shopping for other necessary evils for the trip, trying to get my mind off of the frantic-urges.

wraptboy said something about Stephen King (I believe?) uses the concept of Ka in his writings. Destiny, is it? Call it whatever you like. I don't know or care, really. All I know is that I turned a corner in WalHEL-Mart and there stood a Mrs. Misty Sloan and her baby.

( A not-so-short history on Melistah Sloan (formerly 'O'Reilly') & me )

Misty was wearing red on Sunday, and her lips were filled in just as red, her hair black as it had ever been. Her giant blue eyes met mine as I turned the corner from linens to toys, and we both stopped to stare for a moment that felt like a hundred.

I smiled, both because I was bemused and nervous.
She blinked, looked down at her baby, and turned around fast with her cart.
My heart jumped into my throat, and then fell below my intestines, making my stomach uncomfortable. Still, I managed to scoff, and turned back around to find Jay again.

I told him I saw her, and he was amused. I told him that she looked terrified, and really, she did. And as we passed the aisle where she stood with Matthew and their child, neither of them noticing us as we passed, I felt an overwhelming sadness.

It was father's day, and I couldn't tell a childhood friend "Happy father's Day" because his wife feared I would tell him more, and he didn't even understand why I couldn't necessarily. I don't know what he knows, if he knows anything...he had once made mention during the brief period of letters that he suspected she and Chris had been together. I lied and told him no, that they were just having troubles like any other couple does.

I was, and remain, a threat to that relationship.
I laughed about this, and became almost manic for the next twenty minutes or so. I had to do something, to avoid the sickness welling inside of me. I just didn't want to fall apart in that fucking store.

The thing is, she didn't have to be afraid of me. I told her I wouldn't say anything, and I fucking lied to Matt to make sure he didn't get hurt. The last thing I ever wanted was for either of them to hurt.

But why? She sure as hell didn't take my needs or emotions into consideration when she slept with Chris.

I was thrown...she didn't have to turn around and all but run from me. I am not a monster, not some demon that will swallow her soul. What was I going to do anyway? She had her child with her, like I would interfere with that? I would have been civil, maybe even said, "Hello, how are you doing?" It's been six years now, and more than the event of seeing her and Matthew and their baby itself, her reaction to me was what stung the most.

As I drove home, Jay sitting quietly as I blasted the music, all I thought of was what it must feel like, being your own demon, swallowing your own soul.

I know, although I seem to recall purging myself of me before I was finished. I was not the bad guy in the whole thing, nothing was my fault. If nothing else, I was simply colorblind to those whom I thought I could trust. Good thing someone lent me some good glasses.

Came home, got lost in this glowing box for a few hours, cute boys IMing me from MI to Sweden, telling me what a beautiful person I am, affirming my self-confidence and pride. Misty and Matthew all but disappeared from my mind, and because of these talented people, I managed to avoid a flood.

***

I wound up calling off from work because I couldn't get my car fixed until after five today. Da came up from work, we took the tire in to be mounted and rotated, and he checked the tie rod.

He said it would survive me driving it another week without too much wear on the new tire, and that he would fix it while I am in Italy. My dad rawks.

He had brought me luggage to use for my trip, but it decided to fall apart when I opened it, so I would have to find another solution.

Oh, and then...THEN I realized that the two good, expensive bras I bought yesterday were nowhere to be found. Called WalHELL-Mart to ask them if they were there still. yup, off to the place for yet a fourth trip.

Got my bras, and Jay found a suitcase that read, "ROME" on it.

I decided it was a sign, and bought it.

I have so much to do in a week's time...I am trying not to panic, and honestly it barely seems real to me yet. I think I told riverbank that it will likely hit me on the plane, and then I'll be so excited and frantic I won't be able to sleep.

Of course, the cool thing is I get to see almost everyone I want to see before I leave, including kajmal during my 6-hour layover in Newark, NJ. This makes the trip even better, knowing that I can see everyone and leave them knowing that I send them my love and friendship while i am away.

The time is now 12:10A.M. EDT.
7 days, 7 hours and 30 minutes until I (seemingly) make the most gigantic leap of my life.

I hope the lilly-pads are strong in Rome.