(no subject)

[thedarksiren2]

You know what it is?

It's this whole insecurity bullshit that has just all of the sudden crept back into my life like a fricking parasite. What the hell?

Yeah, I go through moments, but something triggered this. Something got old memories and worries all wound up in my ego and it's getting smothered for no damn good reason.

Does anyone else ever deal with this problem?
Better yet, WHY am I having such a hard time getting over it?

If it weren't for some damn awesome people in my life who are encouraging and push me outside my shell when it is most important. But still...I should be able to do that without relying on them.

I all but flooded weekend before last. I paced around the house, totally anxious about nothing that I could pin-point. Just bothered, annoyed...yeah, the money thing is totally unsettling, but I know it's my fault, and totally claim that. Whatever.

Today, leaving school in a sleepy haze, I had a memory of a High School girlfriend who had a habit of telling me awful things about myself because she was jealous of who I was without her. I haven't thought of her in TWELVE YEARS!!!

I have done the best I can to eliminate the worthlessness out of my life. I have let go of people with whom I had no other choice, and am working toward grand goals...even those goals, right now at least, feel so very very distant and down a tunnel with nothing but a spec of light at the end.

Sometimes it's hard not to want to crawl inside the crevices in the brick layers around me instead, and just hit snooze, repeatedly.

I don't though. No, never ever ever again if I can avoid it. What the hell...I CAN avoid it! I hate when I say "if." That's a horrible thought.

It's just a matter of finding the opposite triggers...I just wish I knew what the present ones were.

Comments

[theshadowsfall.livejournal.com]

I often go though the sam sort of thing. It tends to lead me to terrible fits of depression, but let me tell you this,

You my friend have no reason to feel bad about yourself. You are truly one of the coolest people i know. You are incredibly nice. You have an inner glow about you that always makes me feel good to be around you. And you have a remarable voice.

Speaking for myself, I know that you have improved one person's life just for existing.

Your are a wonderful person Dawn Dawn. Be good to yourself. You deserve it.

[thedarksiren.livejournal.com]

I appreciate all you have said, and thank you for your kind words.

I just wish i could get over this...it's rather maddening.
I will do my best to be gentle

and you, too, have bettered my life for being a part of it.
(((HUGZ!)))

Thanx.

[sharpshinyclaws.livejournal.com]

I just wanted to say seeing you for five seconds this morning at school really perked my day up. Every time I go to that place I go into defensive talk to no one mode, and your pretty face winked me out of that for just enough time to allow my back to relax a fraction. Thanks.

[thedarksiren.livejournal.com]

Funny, I do pretty much the same thing when i am there. Must be all the goose shit.

oh and, I am glad I added a bit of light in your day. ~8)

[bindrune.livejournal.com]

these old shades they keep coming back. triggers upon triggers upon triggers....

triggers are too fast. you can't stop them from going off, necessarily. all you can do is point the gun at the floor where the bullet will (hopefully) harmlessly skitter away.

i think i know at least some of what you are talking about here. i feel bad because i can't stop thinking about stuff that happened so long ago. it seems the really crappy stuff always feels like it happened, like, YESTERDAY. and then there are grand periods where i don't think about any of it at all. blah, it suddenly occurs to me that i'm too out of it today to have a point here. sorry. this bindrune is floating feverish feathers.

[thedarksiren.livejournal.com]

your pint was made just fine
and taken appropriately.

Just nice to have people tell me I am not as crazy as I feel sometimes.

[thedarksiren.livejournal.com]

That was supposed to be *point*, not *pint*.

*grumbles*

[thedarksiren.livejournal.com]

*delayed laughter and placing of head-in-hands at the thought of pints being taken appropriately*

Almost an irony
considering
Queen of the Damned.

LOL

DAMMIT KELLY! YOU'RE SPOILING MY PLANS TO BE MOPEY AND BLARG-LIKE! NAPALM EVEN!!! GRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No, not really.
~8P

[pseudogod.livejournal.com]

-----sample-----
Does anyone else ever deal with this problem?
-----sample-----

I wish I could say no...

or I wish I could ask you the same question and say no

or I wish we could ask anyone who wasn't a diagnosably narcissistic prick, and they would say no...

...just to have a little personal hope during the times where I'm at my worst...

but it's good that some of us can't say no, I occasionally have to pull myself back, and say "even this feeling, as retarded of a feeling as it may be, is normal sometimes". Then, sometimes, I feel a bit better, and smoke a bowl.. or sometimes, it's not in that order :D whatever.

seriously, though... I do totally relate, the biggest problem I have with being here, is that I'm going to run into 90% of those memories here. those people here. shit, the smell of this town reminds me of terrible things sometimes :/

-pg

[thedarksiren.livejournal.com]

Everytime I go down to VA to visit my friends, many of these feelings pop up. Hell, they popped up a few months ago when Amy came up here. She didn't say or do anything to make me low, but damn if I didn't fall and scrape my knees a few times while she was around.

And, just like you, I can relate the smells of towns-past to annoying memories and horrid pangs of uncertainty. *sigh*

Thanks for relating...it's always nice to know that I am not alone, no matter how screw-headed that relating might be.

Kent...bleh.
I think that town just has a cloud over it for eternity.

You Are Beautiful

[angellafurious.livejournal.com]

and incredibly talented and wonderful to be around. Yes, I know what insecurity feels like, and I know that when you read this it won't sink in as much as it needs to, but I felt the need to say it all the same, because when I look at you, these are the things I see.

This too will pass. *hugs*

Delayed reaction due to apathy

[thedarksiren.livejournal.com]

I meant to say thank you for your nice words.
I really appreciate them.

[bloodsidhe.livejournal.com]

I could venture a guess on that insecurity deamon. When I went back to school I felt like I was totally lost. I have this horrible obsession that I have to get A's nothing else will do, and snobbish me also thought that it is just Tri-Hi so if I don't get A's I will never make it at a real college? Well I dropped Biologie, Chemistry and Math because on my first test I got a D in those classes and ever since then I dream about going back to school but I am way to afraid to fail again so I find reasons to postpone starting back up. So you have a major admirer in me for the courage that is required to do what you are doing. Hang in there, school makes the best of us weak in the knees, but if you run it is even harder to get back in. Love you and think good thoughts for you lots...

[thedarksiren.livejournal.com]

I appreciate the guess...

I actually enjoy school tremendously. It occupies my time and keeps me from getting too self-reflective, if that makes any sense. I tend to get carried away in the woes and worries if too much time is allotted to me.

And as for the grades, I have kept a 3.8-4.0 since I have been back (has it really almost been two years???JESUS!) so I am not disappointed. I am finding, however, that my one class requires more skills than others have before...it is a wonderful challenge though, and drives me to work harder.

Honestly, I think I know what is going on, and I just have to live up to my own advice this time...well, the bear's anyway:

"Only YOU can prevent forest fires."

*Smoky the Bear

ugh! I hate when my own words come back to haunt me! LOL

Thanks for your wonderfully encouraging words and thoughts though, sweetie. They truly mean a lot, and just the fact that you really thought about what might be bothering me gives me a sense of security. It may sound strange and silly, but it's true.