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thedarksiren2This is for a girl in one of the communities I am in, so for those of you who know the story, skim past this. Otherwise, feel free to read...I don't care either way. It's for her though.
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mind_alteredego
When I turned 14, I was 5'4", and almost 205 lbs. I wasn't too self-conscious most of the time, except for when my older sister would taunt me/ give me crap for being too fat. Occassionally some kids at school would, but mostly, they just ignored me. I had one close friend, J.C., and she was exactly who I wanted to look like. She was drop-dead gorgeous, 5'3" super athletic, and about 115 lbs. She also got any boy she ever wanted, got into dozens of fights with both guys and girls (she could hold her own though, damn!), was incredibly permiscuous, and all together miserable.
One day, just a few weeks after getting into ninth grade (YAY! High School!) I figured out I had a mad crush on a boy named Brandon, but I was too shy to say anything to him. J.C. went to tell him, and asked him if he was interested. He told her he didn't know about her "fat friend," but if she wanted to go out sometime...
She kicked him between the legs and told him he didn't deserve me. J.C. was the best friend ever. ~8)
When she told me this, it pissed me off to no end. So I decided to prove to the world that I could be this person they all wanted me to be. Nine months later, I was 120 lbs, fairly toned and very proud of my figure. Suddenly the world noticed me. Even my sister showed me off to her senior friends! I met my first boyfriend, Philip (this after getting to tell Brandon that he could keep dreaming, as he did ask me out after I lost weight. Boys...*sigh*), and we were one of the most popular couples in school.
The thing was, I wasn't happy. People who had been so horrible to me in the past were always in my space, and I found myself nauseated by the fact that they only noticed me because of how I looked. Very few people knew me well, and I felt like a living Barbie doll, wandering around without a soul. My sisters always wanted to go shopping, but I still hated it because they were smaller than me, and even worse, they wouldn't have asked me to go with them a year earlier. My boyfriend became very possessive over time, and started degrading me because of it, telling me I still had "thunder thighs" to keep my confidence down so I didn't find anyone else.
I eventually left Philip and met the love of my life through some friends at another school. They were all wonderful, real people whom I came to know and trust, especially Chris, who after watching me dwindle down to 115 lbs asked me to stop dieting, because I scared him. I remember feeling so relieved that someone was truly worried about my health, not about my looks.
Move forward several years. I had moved to Ohio from VA, then back to VA to finish high school. I gained back over half the weight in that time, just a miserable teenager in so many ways. I called up old friends when I moved back, and eventually, Chris found me again. I was so embarassed, weighing 160 lbs, but when he saw me, he simply said, "Wow, you're a sight for sore eyes." and smiled.
This was when I figured a lot out. Chris and I dated for another few years until I moved back to OH to be with my family. I once asked him how he could stand me in my larger state, and he simply said, "You're the most beautiful person I've ever known, Dawn. No matter how big or small you are, you will always be that to me."
I managed to lose about 25 lbs, and at 140, I was most happy. I wasn't too skinny, but I wasn't a monster either. And he loved me, in every form.
So here I am, 29 years old, and I came across a self-hatred I hadn't experienced in years. I gained back all the weight I ever lost as a teen, a mixture of emotional eating and depression the main components. But it was going overseas to Italy that got to me the most. I hate summer clothes, and well, it's a zillion degrees over there so I had to wear something. Shopping for clothes last summer before this trip was a total flashback to my teenage years, and I cried a few times in the dressing rooms as a result of my embarassment and disappointment in myself.
I gained an extra twenty pounds when I returned from Italy. I wasn't as active as I had been over there, and I ate horrible foods all the time. Come December, I was only 25 lbs under my highest weight ever, and hated everything about me. Mostly though, I was worried because I was so depressed I didn't want to get out of bed, and sluggish when I managed.
Then I saw something for the Discovery Challenge, and decided I needed to challenge myself.
I began dieting in mid January, and also joined a health club which I try to get to 2-3 times a week (school and working don't allow me to go anymore than that). Four months later, I have lost 30 lbs and six inches from my waste. I didn't follow any specific diet, I just cancelled out all the processed crap, eat 4-5 times a day (snacking is such a wonderful thing!) and drink a lot of water.
The thing here is, I did it for me. Not for anyone else, but for me and me alone. I was so bitter with the world when I was a teen, angry at them for wanting me to be Cyndi Crawford or some strange version of her. I try to be more tolerant of this ignorance now, because the world is programmed to think that way.
Truth be told, I'd be tickled pink to be 140 lbs again. 5'5", 140...that's sexy to me. It was my most comfortable weight, and I was still soft and cuddly. I've got 55 lbs. to go, but I am certain I can get there.
Now, return to your entry, and read my next comment, OK?
~8)
for
mind_alteredegoWhen I turned 14, I was 5'4", and almost 205 lbs. I wasn't too self-conscious most of the time, except for when my older sister would taunt me/ give me crap for being too fat. Occassionally some kids at school would, but mostly, they just ignored me. I had one close friend, J.C., and she was exactly who I wanted to look like. She was drop-dead gorgeous, 5'3" super athletic, and about 115 lbs. She also got any boy she ever wanted, got into dozens of fights with both guys and girls (she could hold her own though, damn!), was incredibly permiscuous, and all together miserable.
One day, just a few weeks after getting into ninth grade (YAY! High School!) I figured out I had a mad crush on a boy named Brandon, but I was too shy to say anything to him. J.C. went to tell him, and asked him if he was interested. He told her he didn't know about her "fat friend," but if she wanted to go out sometime...
She kicked him between the legs and told him he didn't deserve me. J.C. was the best friend ever. ~8)
When she told me this, it pissed me off to no end. So I decided to prove to the world that I could be this person they all wanted me to be. Nine months later, I was 120 lbs, fairly toned and very proud of my figure. Suddenly the world noticed me. Even my sister showed me off to her senior friends! I met my first boyfriend, Philip (this after getting to tell Brandon that he could keep dreaming, as he did ask me out after I lost weight. Boys...*sigh*), and we were one of the most popular couples in school.
The thing was, I wasn't happy. People who had been so horrible to me in the past were always in my space, and I found myself nauseated by the fact that they only noticed me because of how I looked. Very few people knew me well, and I felt like a living Barbie doll, wandering around without a soul. My sisters always wanted to go shopping, but I still hated it because they were smaller than me, and even worse, they wouldn't have asked me to go with them a year earlier. My boyfriend became very possessive over time, and started degrading me because of it, telling me I still had "thunder thighs" to keep my confidence down so I didn't find anyone else.
I eventually left Philip and met the love of my life through some friends at another school. They were all wonderful, real people whom I came to know and trust, especially Chris, who after watching me dwindle down to 115 lbs asked me to stop dieting, because I scared him. I remember feeling so relieved that someone was truly worried about my health, not about my looks.
Move forward several years. I had moved to Ohio from VA, then back to VA to finish high school. I gained back over half the weight in that time, just a miserable teenager in so many ways. I called up old friends when I moved back, and eventually, Chris found me again. I was so embarassed, weighing 160 lbs, but when he saw me, he simply said, "Wow, you're a sight for sore eyes." and smiled.
This was when I figured a lot out. Chris and I dated for another few years until I moved back to OH to be with my family. I once asked him how he could stand me in my larger state, and he simply said, "You're the most beautiful person I've ever known, Dawn. No matter how big or small you are, you will always be that to me."
I managed to lose about 25 lbs, and at 140, I was most happy. I wasn't too skinny, but I wasn't a monster either. And he loved me, in every form.
So here I am, 29 years old, and I came across a self-hatred I hadn't experienced in years. I gained back all the weight I ever lost as a teen, a mixture of emotional eating and depression the main components. But it was going overseas to Italy that got to me the most. I hate summer clothes, and well, it's a zillion degrees over there so I had to wear something. Shopping for clothes last summer before this trip was a total flashback to my teenage years, and I cried a few times in the dressing rooms as a result of my embarassment and disappointment in myself.
I gained an extra twenty pounds when I returned from Italy. I wasn't as active as I had been over there, and I ate horrible foods all the time. Come December, I was only 25 lbs under my highest weight ever, and hated everything about me. Mostly though, I was worried because I was so depressed I didn't want to get out of bed, and sluggish when I managed.
Then I saw something for the Discovery Challenge, and decided I needed to challenge myself.
I began dieting in mid January, and also joined a health club which I try to get to 2-3 times a week (school and working don't allow me to go anymore than that). Four months later, I have lost 30 lbs and six inches from my waste. I didn't follow any specific diet, I just cancelled out all the processed crap, eat 4-5 times a day (snacking is such a wonderful thing!) and drink a lot of water.
The thing here is, I did it for me. Not for anyone else, but for me and me alone. I was so bitter with the world when I was a teen, angry at them for wanting me to be Cyndi Crawford or some strange version of her. I try to be more tolerant of this ignorance now, because the world is programmed to think that way.
Truth be told, I'd be tickled pink to be 140 lbs again. 5'5", 140...that's sexy to me. It was my most comfortable weight, and I was still soft and cuddly. I've got 55 lbs. to go, but I am certain I can get there.
Now, return to your entry, and read my next comment, OK?
~8)
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no subject
Date: 2004-04-20 09:32 am (UTC)The change in you since January is so very evident, almost more so in your spirit. Your glow is contagious! =-)
no subject
Date: 2004-04-20 09:43 am (UTC)~8)
I can't tell you what it all means to me...
Date: 2004-04-20 05:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-04-21 06:01 pm (UTC)I try to be more tolerant of this ignorance now, because the world is programmed to think that way.
while this statement fits with your generally patient and peace-loving persona as expressed on your journal, I personally have zero tolerance for this sort of ignorance. anybody I see putting too much emphasis on weight has no place in my world whatsoever. I will tell them that in no uncertain terms if the occasion should arise.
i have been considering weight loss issues myself but for various reasons I choose not to post about them in my journal. this post fit in nicely with a lot i have been thinking about though. so thank you for sharing your insight.
super-delayed response...~;P
Date: 2004-04-29 09:31 am (UTC)Do not mistake my tolerance comment for acceptance. I am tolerant of the overall view, and have adjusted in my own ways, not many of which adhere to the typical view of beauty and/ or necessity. It is simply my own way of living a productive life, I suppose. However, I do not welcome anyone who is so shallow and/ or superficial into my life. Again, it is a waste of time and energy.On this same note, I have no qualms about telling someone they are shallow and most likely highly insecure within themselves, should they be causing people, be they overweight or simply a downtrodden soul in the world, hurt or discomfort.
Thank you for the compliment on seeing me as patient and peace-loving. It made me smile, knowing I present that.~8)
Whatever your reasons for weight loss, I wish you luck and thank you for taking the time to read through this.~8)