surrounded by noise noise inside and out

[thedarksiren2]

Tonight was one of those nights where
I wished to be standing on cliffs in VA again
Cliffs overlooking the York River
Cliffs where the clouds were dark and blue and gray and mysterious
Just beyond my fingertips as I almost loll over the edge

I wanted to be where the waves thrashed violently below me
Lovingly, achingly
Demanding that I take action or face slow death

Then, the moon would peak out
I would be reminded of my responsibilities
Or perhaps even wander to the battlefields
and lie in the sweetest grass I've ever smelled

But tonight there is nothing
Just Cleveland cops
Like vultures
waiting for my rot to surface
as they circle Jawndomay in their helicopters
Dripping with anticipation

Do vultures drool?
I wonder wonder

Fingering through Gaiman novels
Feeling the urge to get lost in his imaginings
Wishing to submerge
Lose rational-thinking
Because I love that absurdity
and almost wallow in it's vast reprise
When I am so allowed

But tonight,
tonight I am most sober
Despite my willingness to suck in Damiana
I embrace the burning in my lungs for a moment
I shouldn't smoke anything
But at least it's not weed
or heroin
or something even more vile
It's not even addictive

I just want to sleep
I want to dream
I want to be lost in the lands where
I can be a child or a mother or a whore
And wake without a guilty conscience

I was trying to concentrate
Reading, liking the images, the characters as they reveal to me
Trust in me
Almost feeling them as a friend
Then I wondered how tylorael is doing
If she made it safely to her far-away destination
And I think I may cry
But then snicker instead
to the tune of
"Most of my best friendships are long-distanced anyway"

Just outside my window, a sound of metal
or perhaps even cloth
Something flapping
banging
clattering outside
Stay outside!
Stay! Stay away from my already noisy head!

Too late

I wonder if my car is being invaded again
I wonder if someone thinks Fairuza a comfy place to rest
I wonder if they have lice or crabs or syphilis
Do they wash their hands when they can?
Will I be Hepatitis + in the morrow?

I thought of those cliffs
of sitting upon the soil and sharing deep thoughts
That aren't really so deep
Sharing intimate nothingness
with someone who might care
or might not
Either way, we would be calm
Equal, content
Even if only for a moment
in a salt-tainted breeze

I laid down my book
I turned down the lamp that Chris once gave me as a birthday gift
Saying my goodnights to Lowell and Jack Skellington

Thinking I might take Leahbug to the zoo next week
I might call Teri to bring her niece as well
I might do many things
But tonight
is Limbo

I know I must take action
I know what must be done
yet
I am stillness
Waiting
Anticipating

WHY?