Do you remember me, how we used to be?

I feel the need to tell a story, to let out some secret domain from within my viscera only to leave one starving for more. I could tell about the night I've had, how I helped four people with mrdd scalp and gut pumpkins. I could tell about how lovely the stars on the interstate were tonight, and how I wished to hear the cicadas again. Or how I all but simultaneaously considered taking the turnpike to PA, and then to WV, on and on until I wound up in the middle of a misty battlefield in Yorktown VA, walking toward the beaches there.

I would go over the rocks then, to the secluded beach, and climb up the muddy hill, grasping onto the bent-up chainlink fence just before I slipped back down. I would duck beneath the metal, jagged-edged and cowering from my cold fingertips, each one a friend helping me around and then upward onto the platform.

Down below the waves would crash, light sprays kissing my cheeks, taunting me, begging me to play. I almost fell off that cliff once. I was sixteen, hanging out with Joey Bell and Jeff Plasman. We drove to the beach in my dad's Cheyenne, and we all giggled at how the V-8 tickled our butts as it rumbled down the road.

*sigh*

I got going, and the punchline was predictable.

I feel too predictable anymore. Totally predictable. I don't know if it's a bad thing, or a good thing, or if it's ANYTHING...

things...*sigh*

***

I am sad sad sad tonight. So fucking sad. I wasn't earlier. In fact, I was in a great mood. But my mom didn't remember that she said I was doing the right thing. She didn't remember all those important things that I said to her, that they were so much a part of me. And I cannot be mad at her because it's not her fault she has MS and cannot remember anything for shit anymore. I just didn't realize it had gotten so bad.

Why didn't I realize it?

Because I am always busy and far far away.
far
far
far
away.

***

Leahbug was my joy tonight. She was so damn cute, dressed up like a li'l clown with her li'l round belly poing out from her li'l lime-green and polka-dotted costume. She pointed to it and told me to pet her tummy. I did, and she giggled, "My belly's SOOO BIG Dawn Dawn! I think I ated too much!"

Gawd I love that kid.

And my sister Deb...I miss her too. I hope she makes it up here next weekend.

My dad liked his IOU hot wheel, as well as the beer. Beer is always good.

***

Man...I just got lost in some other girl's journal, and it was about her time in a psych ward, and how fucked up it is to have people whom you love tell you you're crazy. You start to believe them, and you go along with their plan. Of course, I didn't back then, but it hurt to hear them say it. Of course throwing out the fact that i wasn't the one with suicidal tendencies...

I have no idea where all this is coming from.
I just really, really wanna sleep.

Who will read me a story?
who will caress my head?
Who will simply whisper, "Shhh...it's OK, Dawn."


?

(no subject)

Thank yous to everyone who has given me advice and taken the time to read my journal over the past 48 hours because, quite frankly, it has been drama, thus breaking zee rule #1. Of course, it was due in part to zee rule #3, but well...anyway. You are all wonderful, and I am very very thankful for your words of kindness, encouragement, and advice.

Today has been me emptying my head of all the clatter smashing about. Breakfast this A.M. with wraptboy was very helpful, if nothing other than that I had someone I totally trust near to me, and he listens so well, and his mind works so much like mine does. Thank you, my friend. I hope I give back as much as you give to me.

And then there are the songs that renwick sent my way...I cannot wait to hear them! What better gift for a siren than singing lovelies??? ~8D

Work has been OK. I am ready to go. Not stressful really...in fact, it's been one of the better days I've had in a long time. Everyone is so excited about Halloween, and one of the guy's sisters came by and brought him apple pie, just because she was in the neighborhood. It truly made his weekend, and helps restore my faith in humanity. So many of these clients have families who dropped them here to live and then disappear. It's always wonderful to see active family participation after an individual moves into a house.

Anyway, I hope everyone's day was better today than yesterday. Seems the world was feeling cruel and unusual. Well, more unusual anyway.

In general, just thank you for being there for me. It really is comforting to me.

Alter-egos storming the gates of Newcastle

( This is what you get when two roommates play on AIM...you've been warned!!! )