thedarksiren2 | May. 28th, 2002

5Am or something...Woke to

wraptboy's tears and freaking out. His beads in his truck moved, like SIGNIFICANTLY moved...his doors were locked though, and nothing was missing. He was so freaked out. I hugged him, told him it would be ok, and when he left, I told Bats or whatever spirits might be playing right now that it was NOT the right time. Not now...no, not now, my friends.

I missed my alarm going off at 7ish. Didn't make my meeting at 8AM. When I figured out that I had missed it, I simply rolled over. Dreamed of wars, I am shivering in a tent, and when I smile, my teeth are heavily decayed, falling out. The few that are in tact still are razor-sharp, filed to be so, and brown. There is malnutrition, famine, war...my teeth begin to fall with an icky, grayish ooze following them.

I woke up at ten or so. My back and head hurt. It's an icky day outside, and the house is so quiet. I am waiting for Bats whimpering in the kitchen, but there is none. Nothing. The house is still, Jawndomay is silent. Even Butthead is quiet, his feathers all fluffy and he is stillness with the house.

I lit the memory candle, a picture of Bats in front.
My heart is sick.

I cannot stand the silence.

Music, LOUD music...call people. Call Therese...Roger is OK. He has survived his awful surgery without a hitch. Call my sister...I want Leah this Friday, go to the zoo, spend quality time. Deb wants to come too, needs to vent, and I forget my world for a while to help her with hers. The friend's mom has recovered from her coma, talking, lucid, starting Physical Therapy. This makes me happy, the wonderful miracle that it is.

Yet, it frightens me more.

I can't help it...the dreams indicate at least two more, if not wars and horrible large groups of people. Maybe I can count those people in Arkansas or wherever that bridge was that fell. At least a dozen cars...people died, many people died. I know that the close death was Bats. There are two distant ones...other people's friend's/ family.

Maybe I am just a schizoid, and it's all mad coincidences.

I ate some yogurt, went cruising through the friends list, and then came across this picture that

jjjiii posted of Bats and

wraptboy.

Thank you, gup. Thank you soooo much. That's a great picture.

Shit, I am all leaky again...I swear I can feel the breeze that was Bats racing past my legs like a maniac. He was a nut, always in your space, loving, annoying and stubborn. Not a dog really, not at all, except for his stupidity, and his neediness.

All love and bones, silly little creature...bat, doe, human, cat...soemthing, everything but so very little dog.

I am so sad.

Told Veil last night. He was angry at first, immediate reaction...what happened? Who let him out? What what what why???

Then he began to sob in his own sadness.
We are going to try to have a ceremony for Bats...won't go into details. It just feels right somehow. I wish I didn't have to work.

I hope the night goes easily. Nothing points in that direction right now, but I am trying to be optimistic.

Thank you to everyone, for your thoughts, kind words, and hugs. I cannot think anymore. I cannot look at Bats...I can't. I can't see him in the fetal position that

wraptboy says he's in. I can't see the trickle of blood...I can't. I just can't.

I hate this so much.
I don't want the dreams anymore...I just don't. It's too much responsibility that I can't claim.