Holiday angst

[thedarksiren2]

woke up late due to tromping around Walmart till 4AM with wraptboy and bindrune.

We were caught on camera having wrapping-paper sword fights!
*gigglz*

Sad thing is, I am not done yet.
I am not ready for these holidays.

Between school and work and just running myself to rags, I didn't even get cards out. If nothing else, I *always* get cards out for the holidays.

***

Such the mess, my head, these walls, my heart...torn to bits and strands. I wanna do what is right so much, but sometimes the right thing just feels like it's so damn wrong.

Who made the decision to be authoritative? Who decided "Hey, this is what is right, this is what is wrong," ?

I hate the They in life. They piss me off most of all.

***
I am not sending cards out this year. well, maybe I will. I have gotten plenty, and it's not that i don't WANT to. I just had no time to do it. Hell, I am leaving my house in twenty minutes to go brave the horror that is the consumer's world so that I can finish up the shopping for people because I had no time before now!

Holidays = stress.

Don't buy me shtuff...just hold me, and tell me you are my friend.
I'll make you a mixed tape if you tell me a story about your childhood.
I'll sing you a song, a lullaby even, if you smile when I walk into the room.

All this, this presumption, this obligated bullshit to buy gifts, to guess what people want and/ or need - it's sickening to me in many ways. I miss the togetherness, when my brothers and sisters and I would wake up super-early, and we'd wait and wait in the hallway or mom and dad to get up - we weren't allowed in the living room to open gifts till they got up.

One year my two oldest brothers ran into mom and dad's room yelling, "FIRE! The tree's on fire!!"

I think I told that story last year...it's a fun memory, thinking about my dad getting up all frantic and in his boxers...funny funny funny.

*sigh*

The past few holidays have revealed such dysfunction in my family, how selfish many of them are, and how that selfishness can impact the rest of them in physical deterioration.

I told my mom a few days ago that I would leave their house on Christmas day if it was anything like Thanksgiving. She assured me it wouldn't be.

Promises are word-like.

actions are dancing in certainty.

I like knowing everything is OK, even if for a moment.

Time to finish shopping. *sigh*

Comments

[laneybee.livejournal.com]

*Hugs*

"All this, this presumption, this obligated bullshit to buy gifts, to guess what people want and/ or need - it's sickening to me in many ways."

This is what I told all my friends.....I would rather have a rock that you found on the ground that for some reason reminded you of me than for you to go out and spend money on something that holds no emotional value.

The most expensive gift in the world can be the most meaningless all at the same time. A simple card or a couple lines from a friend's head put on paper just for me speaks more to my heart than a thousand gifts from the mall could do. I have a box filled with letters and cards and just totally inexpensive crap that to another person would be trash but each item in that box is a treasure to me. wether it's a note scrawled on a ripped napkin saying "lova ya girly" or an old leaf pressed in wax paper. And every now and again I sit down and go through my box and I laugh and I cry and I remember and it reminds me of what's important. Now, ask me what happened to a sweater that so and so got me from dillards a few years ago or whatever and I will have no idea........ but the goooooood stuff, the MEANINGFUL stuff...I still have it ALL!

Don't underestimate your friends and family. Simple gestures from the heart that show you really care are worth more than a million dollars.

[thedarksiren.livejournal.com]

see, I had this thought to create things for people, but again the time-constraint fucked me there. And then there was the exhastion after, which hinders the muse for me. Not to say i don't have images and ideas abounding, just that I cannot find my gumption, you know?

I'm at that moment just before big depression, my toes are teetering on the edge of that cliff. My instinct is to crawl back into bed and sleep, to call off work as much as possible, and forget anything exists.

But I am responsible, and I cannot let my roommate or my family down. I cannot let me down, for that matter. I know I am worth something somewhere, it just feels very far away sometimes.

And Christmas...Christmas just reminds me how so many people I have loved and cared about, people whom I have placed so much faith and trust in, whom I have spent all but my last three cents on to try to please them, they left me eventually. And even now, as I know why and what happened, the pain hasn't lifted. I should hate them for how they drove me crazy, how they broke my heart and leave me yet shattered - but I miss them. I miss their good parts, the ones i adored and found love and friendship in.

It all just leave me a lunatic.~8(

Sorry Beth - kinda just feeling the darker edge of that Christmas spirit thinger. *sigh*

[nemesisn72.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

Happy Holidays, honey, however you choose to celebrate them.

[thedarksiren.livejournal.com]

(((HUGZ))) back atcha.

thank you...you too, hon.

[thedarksiren.livejournal.com]

Hey,

I couldn't remember what Lestat albums you wanted on tape. Would you be so kind as to refresh my memory? I started to make one, but I wasn't sure so i stopped. I don't want to give you something you already have.

Re:

[nemesisn72.livejournal.com]

I don't have any of them, actually. Whatever you can give me would be great.

*smooches*

[darkpixie6942.livejournal.com]

The very next time I see you, I promise to smile when you walk into the room... you always bring a smile with you!

To be honest, I got you something too... but I don't shop out of obligation, I shop out of desire and curiosity... and often inspiration.

Hopefully I'll see you soon... so I can smile when you walk in, and hug you and tell you you're loved and appreciated... (although the stories of my childhood are probably happier in the past) :)

*hugz*

[thedarksiren.livejournal.com]

see, I generally shop because I want to please people, I want to see their eyes brigten up when they see the gift I have given to them out of my love for them. It's that I want to show them in as many possible as i am able to that i adore them, that they are an important part of my life. My cards are usually where that comes out, but my muse is hiding well this year, and my knees are rather sore and scraped from crawling around in the crevices in search of her.

~8/

I always enjoy your company too, sweety. You have this vibrancy about you, something I aspire to. You are magnetic and beautiful, and one of the most thoughtful people I have ever known. Just knowing you thought of me is a gift I cherish.

Re:

[darkpixie6942.livejournal.com]

I feel all gushy and sweet and now! Thank you! Hopefully I can fulfill my desire of making you smile with a small token (or just a hug) for a holiday or whenever

My holiday (and everyday) wish for you is that your stress come only from your own drive and never from the pressures of others, and that your joy comes from every moment.

[thedarksiren.livejournal.com]

yay moosh!
~8D

Thank you so much for sweetness...I must hunt you down soon!!!

Sure you don't want anything else?

[jjjiii]

I can stroke your hair, too. Maybe give you a kiss on the forehead.

Re: Sure you don't want anything else?

[thedarksiren.livejournal.com]

that would be wonderful, guppy.

*wipes tears from her eyes*

Re: Sure you don't want anything else?

[jjjiii]

:)

[thedarksiren.livejournal.com]

thanks hon.

I am sorry things are going so roughly for you right now. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help - I killed off my imaginary friend, 'member? a shithead landlord should be cake!~;)

[fractalmind.livejournal.com]

hugs, a lil story and a smile.

you got it!

have a wonderful christmas hon!

*hugs*

[thedarksiren.livejournal.com]

you too, sweety. You too.

[ravenskuld.livejournal.com]

even though i already did buy you something, can i still hold you and let you know you are my friend? - hey, i know! i'll just wait until the closest to the 30th as i can.

exercise your mixing skills and your singing voice, i want a tape and to hear you sing!

i miss you. no wishes for anything from me, except to see you soonish.

[thedarksiren.livejournal.com]

exercise your mixing skills and your singing voice, i want a tape and to hear you sing!

As in, you want some of the music I have sang on, or for me to sing for you when next we meet?

Re:

[ravenskuld.livejournal.com]

well, both, if i could. hearing you sing live is better than a tape, but having a tape lets me hear you whenever i want. i'll leave the and/or up to you.

[thedarksiren.livejournal.com]

Tell you what, I will work on a tape for you, including some of the songs that i have sang/ written, but also some other shtuff that you may or may not know.

As for the live-singing, I'll have to see what the moment inspires, ok?

BTW...my car is broken until at least tomorrow, so i won't be down your way prolly for a few days.~8(

Re:

[ravenskuld.livejournal.com]

that is fine. i will e-mail you my schedule for the week, and we can coincide something. (it'll just mean your gift is "late", but somehow i do not foresee time being a problem between you and i.)

i'll try to be patient. *grin*

Peoples

[poliwitch.livejournal.com]

You are wonderful person!!! *BIG HUG*

I will make you a mixed tape for a mixed tape....wanna trade?

Re: Peoples

[thedarksiren.livejournal.com]

Deal!!!

~8D

Re: Peoples

[poliwitch.livejournal.com]

coolies... I will have to get to working on that!!!